Silent Night (Merwy Cwismas Evybody) - Michael Zinetti

Michael Zinetti wanted to do something Christmasy and here it is....Silent Night! Listen as Michael Zinetti slowly but surely gets the moxy to sing out the third time around. You can do it! Merwy Cwismas Evybody!

MZ on Medicine For Profit

Profit in medicine just feels wrong. Imagine if the police, fire department, and schools did this too.

"We got a call about somebody breaking into your house. If you would like us to come in and assist you, we're gonna need your insurance card. No insurance? Oh, no problem. You can pay out of pocket. We'll just need you to set up a payment plan. Finished? Great. Now, how can we help you with this breaking an entering thing?"

"It certainly appears your house is about to burn down. If you would like us to put it out, we're gonna need to see your insurance card. Great. Oh, unfortunately only your living room and bedrooms are covered. We can begin the firefighting process now, but it may get costly for you. Let us know how you'd like us to proceed."

"Who knows the capital of New Hampshire? Sorry, Timmy. Montpelier is incorrect. If you would like the correct answer, have your mom and dad call the school and make arrangements to pay. Does mom and dad have insurance? No? Well, you don't really need to know the capital of New Hampshire anyway. Right?"

MZ on The Perfect Christmas Gift

Are you tired of all those awkward Christmas gift exchanges? Are you tired of the age-old experience of opening a gift and, well, not really wanting it at all, and yet having to act like it's the most amazing thing ever? Are you tired of all the impromptu fictional excitement you have to muster for all the world to see?

Well, you can put all of that behind you now, because I got the perfect solution! I have the perfect Christmas gift idea. You may think my idea lacks Christmas spirit, but bear with me. My heart is in the right place.

Okay, so the first step to buying the perfect gift is for you to think of something you really really want or need. And don't be stingy. Spend as much as you like, because I'm pretty sure the other person will match you. Second, wrap it and give it to your friend or loved one. And it's assumed that your friend or loved one has done the same for you. Now, here's the perfect part. Third, change the bow or rewrap the gift or add a design or flair to the wrapping. Fourth, simply hand it back to the friend or loved one who gave it to you in the first place. Fifth, open it! Sixth, there! It's exactly what you wanted! No guesswork and inevitable disappointment. Seventh, have a Coke and a smile and call it a day, or a Christmas day.

Until next year, and all this annoying crap starts over again. Ugh.

MZ on Beseeching The Burger King

What is up with this? Taco Bell started doing this a couple years ago but then stopped. Now Burger King does it! Every time I'm in the drive thru, as soon as I pay, those dingleberries ask me, "Can you please pull forward and we'll bring it out to you when it's ready?" Usually, there's no one behind me or anything. One day, after the like tenth time they did this, I asked them, "Why do I have to pull ahead?" They explained that they are being timed, and the timer goes off as soon as a customer pulls forward, making their numbers for the night look better. I said, "Yeah, but if that's the case, your numbers are bogus. So what's the point?" This is when they started to get a little upset. And then they said, "You don't have to pull forward if you don't want to." Then I said, "Well of course I don't want to. Who would want to pull forward?" By then, my food was ready and they handed it to me all pissed. WTF? Am I wrong here? Hey Burger King, whoever's the King right now, honestly, WTF, is this your idea of customer service? And BTW, when was this time thing become such an issue? And does this seem like a plausible way to increase the wait? If so, I think the King is misinformed.

MZ on Fantasy Birds Jumping From Branch To Branch

Fantasy Football is cool. Yeah, I'm a little bit addicted. But I wonder if anything could be made into a fantasy thing and suddenly become cool or addictive. I wonder if we had Fantasy Birds Jumping From Branch To Branch if it would be equally cool or addictive. I mean, the basic elements are the same. We would be putting money on birds and how many branches they decided to jump to. Just to make it interesting, certain branches would have a special bonus. We would win big with a particularly indecisive bird that jumped to like ten different branches, including two special branches, before finally flying off. We would lose bad with a bird that skipped the whole thing and just took off. I mean, it's basically just gambling, right? Fantasy People Walking Around Walmart. Fantasy Construction Workers Milling Around. Fantasy Teacher. Fantasy Teacher would just be everyone putting their lunch money on certain words the teacher said. You win big every time the teacher says "Furthermore," "Exactly", or "Great". Finally, everyone would want to listen to their teacher, that is, if they had a chance of winning everyone's lunch money.  

#9 From Some Ways To Make Your Penis Bigger by Michael Zinetti

Target small girls.

Dating small girls, ie. Asians, Pigmies, or even Dwarves, will in some cases elicit amazement from your target girl. While following the rule of the smaller the better is usually a good rule of thumb, there are limits: see warning below.

As a warning: I recently learned about the smallest girl in the world, who lives in India or somewhere, and is only a foot or so tall. Obviously, this sort of size difference is criminal and downright impossible, logistically. Don’t be a prick about this.

MZ on Ebay, The Mafia Of Online Auctions

You are not gonna believe this but Ebay has really done it this time. People always talk about how Ebay has a bazillion fees and I was always on the fence about the subject. After all, Ebay is the online market place with the best traffic, so its fees seemed somewhat warranted. That was until Ebay's latest fee. And now I'm totally on the side against Ebay and all its ridiculous fees.

Ebay's new fees will start sometime in the near future where they are gonna charge users a flat fee of 5 cents every time you go to one of their pages! On top of that Ebay will also charge people who were thinking about going to one of their pages. How in the world are they gonna enforce that? You'd be surprised. Ebay is very powerful. They're like the mafia of online auctions, and so they like to have their cyber hands in everything. There is some good news, with these new fees, merely thinking about going to Ebay will be considerably cheaper than actually going to Ebay, so think about all the money you'll save just thinking about going to Ebay instead of actually going.

With these new usage fees just around the corner, Ebay has also revealed its upcoming fee for talking about Ebay. Like this post, for instance, is going to cost me about 2 dollars when it's all said and done. Ebay's gonna be like Fight Club. The first rule of Ebay, don't talk about Ebay. Yeah, because it's gonna cost you. So, from here on out, if you're planning on talking about Ebay, remember to keep some spare change on you, so you can cover any charges that may incur.

Ebay is also planning on charging people who leave their browsers on Ebay for too long. In addition, if something happens in your house while your computer is idle, Ebay would like to have a cut of that, too. So, if you leave your computer on and say, you have sex with your wife/or whoever, and happen to conceive a child, Ebay plans to implement a fee for the conception of that child. The initial child conception fee is going to be about 5% of the total child's cost, plus the final fee, when the child is ultimately born. As you know, kids are expensive, and Ebay knows this, too. Ebay can do this. So stop fucking around!

In conclusion remember, Big Brother is watching, and because of this, Big Brother owes Ebay a considerable fee, as do you for being watched. If you have a dispute and would like to challenge these fees, Ebay will be glad to take your case into consideration before they ultimately decide in their favor. And remember, there is a 10% fee for all cases found in their favor, which is over 100% of all cases. Ebay gets what Ebay wants. Ebay is just saying.

I Ain't Gonna Resurrect You Anymore - Michael Zinetti

You can be the man I always wanted me to be when you view Michael Zinetti's "I Ain't Gonna Resurrect You Anymore" on here or on youtube. Do it! It's powerful. You can be powerful. I need that.

Bad Car by Michael Zinetti

This song suddenly came to me when some girl outside got in a car and drove away. I imagined what if this girl was my girlfriend and she just broke up with me. It could happen.

MZ on Sharing Thanksgiving Thoughts

On this splendid occasion, on this very special Thanksgiving, I would like everyone to take five minutes to think about what they're thankful for. Then I want everyone to take five minutes to think about what they're not thankful for. Then I want everyone to take five minutes to think about what they've done. Then I want everyone to take five minutes to think about how they're gonna make it up to all the people they've wronged and how they're gonna help them put their lives back together again. On second thought, maybe it's best if we don't think about this stuff and just stuff ourselves silly with turkey and all the fixings. Happy Thanksgiving from Michael Zinetti! 

MZ on The Worst Town Name Ever

Okay, I gotta say one of the worst town names I've ever come across, and probably the most uninspired name ever would have to be a town in Missouri called Humansville. What's up with that? Were there people really sitting around trying to come up with names for this town and one of them said, "Hey, I know. How 'bout Humansville? Cuz, um, we'll have humans there. Probably. You know. Like us." The only way this could be a good name is if all the neighboring towns had a real bad alien problem and Humansville was gonna be like a haven from all these gosh-darn aliens. I wonder if the same people who named Humansville might have had children at some point and named their newborn son, Human Boy Johnson. Or maybe My Son Johnson. Or maybe Male Offspring Johnson. I'm sorry but somebody had to say it. Amen. Good night and good luck.   

MZ on Baby Cooing Aides

When people show you their baby pictures and you find yourself having difficulty exhibiting the required amount of cooing, do what I do: When you see a baby, don't see a baby. Instead see....Puppies? Or....Kittens! Or whatever else that makes you coo. If need be, you could see a baby with a cigar in its mouth. That might make you coo, or at least smile, which can sometimes be construed as cooing. In which case, you're home free.

I Ain't Gonna Resurrect You Anymore by Michael Zinetti

Music and Lyrics by Michael Zinetti

I ain't gonna resurrect you anymore Man, you throw yourself at any girl who comes along I'm just gonna leave you half dead in your apartment Staring at your cleaning products like you wanna drink them

Cuz no one wants a man like you around Yeah you worship the ground where she is bound You're so full of love and so profound But when it comes to something real You pussy out

I remember you back in high school Man, you threw yourself at any girl who came along You were so damn cool and everyone knew You had life figured out but now I have doubts

If you feel so inclined, you can give this song a listen here.

Wicked Cool Dude!

Wicked Cool Dude is a new site that just popped up. It's a site devoted to the 80's. The 80's, as you may or may not know, was the greatest time period in the history of the world. Especially in the northeast, particularly the New York/New England area. Check out this site and I promise you won't be disappointed.

MZ on Great-Tasting Freedom

Freedom basically goes great with any meal. It's also a perfect addition to any party. Some great places to find great-tasting freedom is America and handful of other countries. These country's veterans work tirelessly, sometimes even giving up their very lives in order to provide great-tasting freedom. So, next time you're out and about, and you want to partake of some great-tasting freedom, remember the people who made it possible. Remember veterans. And for God sakes, if you see a veteran out there, by all means, THANK THEM and SHAKE THEIR HAND. Nothing goes better with freedom than appreciation of that freedom.

Sweet Bloody Kisses by Michael Zinetti now on Bandcamp

Here's Sweet Bloody Kisses on Bandcamp, where the whole album can be downloaded for 3 bucks and single songs are only .25!!!

MZ on Voting For Jesus

Every four years I try to do the right thing. Every four years I vote for Jesus Christ to be president. I look at the ballot and ignore those good for nothing humans and skip right down to the write-in line and write in Jesus Christ. But no matter what, Jesus never wins! I'm totally at a loss. I'm trying to put Him first. Who knows, maybe it's not His will to run this country. Maybe He doesn't wanna eat where he shits. Regardless, I'm gonna keep writing His name in, cuz sometimes us humans just gotta impose our will on various deities.

"Tornado Girl" by Michael Zinetti

Michael Zinetti wrote this song about a pretty hot momma with a tornado tattoo. As of yet, this girl hasn't sucked him up. Unfortunately, a short while after completing this song, a tornado came and destroyed Joplin MO (about 40 miles from Michael Zinetti's town of Springfield, MO). In light of this tragedy, Michael Zinetti will forever donate 25% of all earnings on this song to Joplin, MO.

MZ on Halloweenies

Now is our chance to finally dress up like Halloweenies. All you have to do is wrap your body in a flesh-colored sheet. Then do cool designs with a red or purple marker to create the illusion of veins. It's up to you how you would like to make the head of your Halloweenie, as long as you adhere to the general rule that the head of your Halloweenie is bigger than the shaft of your Halloweenie. Halloweenies can be circumcised or uncircumcised. Be advised, people might freak out a little if you decide to go uncircumcised. Circumcision isn't just a religious tradition, but also good for sanitation.

Now, you are ready to go Halloweenie-ing! The best way to go about Halloweenie-ing is to meet up with a bunch of other halloweenies and sort of like invade the downtown area. Consume mass quantities of libation, this will help with lubrication, or social lubrication. As soon as you're drunk, storm the streets and run around like your crazy. Try to avoid cars. There's always safety in numbers. 

Happy Halloweenies!!!

If you want to dress up like Hallovageenies, be advised, this is a much more involved endeavor, especially if your Hallovageenie has a larger than normal labia.    

Try "Agrarian Love Story" by Michael Zinetti for FREE!

Check out this quaint little story for FREE! Agrarian Love Story is one of Michael Zinetti's first short stories. It tells about two young sweethearts, Marvin and D'Zynthia, and how one night, rather than sneak out for another drive-in movie, D'Zynthia suggests they stay in and see what fun can be had in her bedroom. Will Marvin go along with D'Zynthia's idea? What will happen if he does? Check out Agrarian Love Story by Michael Zinetti.

MZ on Being An Authority

I'm the authority on so few things. Especially authority itself. I've never really been in charge of anything. That might be why, when I need to get everyone's attention, I rarely succeed in doing so. And yet you're reading this right now. And so, I kinda have a little authority. Or at least I have a bit of your attention. And so, while I have you here, allow me to say, quite plainly, and honestly, and without discrimination, I like boobies
Why, there's two boobies right now!

MZ on Kuhlua And Milk

Dearest Kuhlua and Milk, why do I love you so? You are so tasty and so good. You are not very alcoholic. And not the most popular drink. But I still love you. I first met you when I worked at a chinese restaurant in Laconia, New Hampshire. I was eating an extra spicy plate of pork lo mein when somebody introduced us and WOW what a match! Kuhlua and Milk and something spicy, especially chinese food, is a delicious experience. God bless you Kuhlua and Milk. You Prince of New England, you King of New Hampshire.

MZ on No Longer Trying To Watch Tree Of Life

I was talking to this dude and he told me there are no guarantees in life and that nobody lives forever. I was like, "What the heck!" So that's why I don't feel too bad about NOT finishing the movie Tree Of Life. I gave that movie forty minutes of my finite time on this planet and all it gave me was a discombobulated story, weird incoherent voice overs, and bizarre gratuitous theory on the inception of life sequences. My general thoughts by the end of the forty minutes were: "I'm not sure. Am I supposed to care about this dinosaur dude? What happened to Brad Pitt? Why don't they just tell the story? Is there a story? I don't mind a nonlinear story but this friggin' ridiculous. This is a nonlinear nonplanar possibly nonstory." As soon as I get word that my after-life insurance has kicked in, and I'm guaranteed eternal life, I'll finish Tree Of Life. Maybe.

MZ on Needing To Talk About Edward

 My girlfriend showed me the DVDs she rented from the library. I looked at one of the covers and said, "I don't like Edward Furlong." She looked at me confused. Then I looked again and realized it was Tilda Swinton. At first I was embarrassed. But then I was kinda pleased with myself. I felt like I was the only person on the planet who knew what happened to Edward Furlong after the 90's. He's Tilda Swinton! Edward Furlong disappeared in the 90's and then reappeared as Tilda Swinton in the 00's! I feel silly. It's so obvious now. You're welcome. 

MZ on The Great Chicken Debate

Candidate 1: I have the most chicken.
Candidate 2: Mr. President, that's simply not true. In fact, America has less chicken now than it did four years ago.
Candidate 1: I DO have the most chicken. And if you give me your vote I will share it with all you good folks in this town (insert name).
Candidate 2: Why would the good folks of this town (insert name) give you their vote when you've had four years to share your chicken and they're still waiting for a taste of your chicken.
Candidate 1: The truth is I've shared LOTS of my chicken. What about your chicken? According to your plan, you're going to deduce chicken intake by 25%!
Candidate 2: That's simply not true.
Candidate 1: It is true.
Candidate 2: No it's not!
Candidate 1: I'm president and I say it's true.
Candidate 2: You won't be president for long!
Candidate 1: I'm beginning to think you don't like chicken.
(The good folks in this town (insert name) gasp in unison)
Candidate 2 (looks around nervously): That's simply not true. I love chicken. When I was governor of Marshmallow Land, we were the biggest producers of chicken. In fact, I made it possible for even the most poor and most idiotic people in my state to have chicken.
Candidate 1: I know. That's why we based much of our chicken production plan on yours in Marshmallow Land. But now, for some reason, you've distanced yourself from your chicken production model. Why is that? I think somebody doesn't like chicken as much as somebody says he likes chicken.
Candidate 2: That's private. I mean, that's simply not true. THIS somebody likes chicken!
Candidate 1: Allow me to reiterate, good folks of this town (insert name), if you give me your vote I will share my chicken with you. Wink wink nudge nudge.

MZ on Trying To Watch The Tree Of Life

So, I was watching Inside The Actor's Studio starring James Lipton and he had Brad Pitt on. Besides the fact that they seemed to skip over all my favorite Brad Pitt movies, they did talk a little bit about a movie I hadn't heard of, The Tree Of Life.

So, later that night, I rented Tree Of Life.

Ten minutes in I was like, "When is this movie gonna start???"

Twenty minutes in, I was like, "I gotta see what this movie got on Rotten Tomatoes." So I paused it and checked it out on Rotten Tomatoes. 84%??? 84% of critics liked it? The positive reviewers were comparing it to Kubrick's 2001. I guess I could see that. However, in Kubrick's 2001, after all the fruity pebbles silliness, you eventually get to the spaceship sequences with David and the ship's computer, HAL, which were awesome. Was Tree Of Life gonna eventually get awesome? I had to keep going.

Thirty minutes in, after the earth creation sequences, I was seeing EXACTLY what they were talking about with the Kubrick 2001 comparisons. However, after the seemingly twelfth or thirteenth seemingly pointless voice-over, whispered something like, "Where is he?" or "What is he looking for?" or whatever the voice was saying, I think my brain literally spontaneously concussed. I was starting to think about my own mortality and why I would want to spend anymore of my finite time on this planet watching this movie that never seems to start. And yet, I pressed on.

Almost forty minutes later, I decided to pause the movie indefinitely, opting to watch something else I rented. In this case, 30 Rock Season 1, which I'd never seen but always wanted to someday sit down and watch.

As for the Tree Of Life, I got three more night to get through it. Hopefully, with the obligatory breaks in order to keep my own sanity, this will allow for enough time to finish it. Ugh.

"It's Different For Girls" by Joe Jackson

I was surprised to find out how many Joe Jackson songs I knew and loved. I was about 6 or 7 when these songs came out, so they were just on the periphery of my conscience. Now when I go back, I find all these songs and rediscover them again. And realize, holy crapola, I love Joe Jackson!

MZ on Unpresidential Debates

Oh sure, I like watching the debates. Although, I'm not quite sure how much the debates help to determine who should be president or anything. However, it does determine who turns into an a-hole under pressure and who turns into a sniveling buffoon. And yet, in my life, I think I've tried to align myself more often with buffoons than a-holes.

MZ on Women In Their Drawers

In the morning, on the way home from work, I usually alternate listening to Mike & Mike in the Morning and Imus in the Morning. Today, on Imus, Dagen McDowell, a woman with a heavy southern drawl, jokingly said to Imus, "I'm just standing here with my drawers on." Everyone else on the show was like, what? I was like, what? I don't know what it is but a woman describing her underwear as drawers, especially in a heavy southern drawl, sounds completely and utterly unsexy. It creates a repelling image in my brain of a monstrously ugly and inbred woman with only three or four good teeth, wearing sweat-stained and whatever else-stained baggy underwear, and saying all seductive, "Hey, baby, I'ma just standing a-here with my drawers on. Whatchu gonna do about it?" And me thinking, "Um...RUN?"

"Going Postal: Volume 1" by Michael Zinetti

Going Postal is a collection of 50 status updates, posts and what-have-you, previously posted on my blog at, as well as various social websites. Most of the posts were written after I had stayed up all night and was barely functioning. What better time to try and set the world afire than when you're completely and utterly delirious?

.99 is all that separates you and 50 seriously silly sleep-deprived blog posts!!! Make it happen!!! Your Mom will be so proud!!!  

MZ on Waiters/Waitresses Beware

Beware all ye clever and conniving waiters and waitresses who don't bother to tell when there is an extra charge for something. Who will kindly answer the question, "Does this come with that?" or "Can I have this instead of that?" with a polite, "Sure," but don't bother to say it'll cost extra. Well, consider this your fair warning. If I should see any surprises on my bill, prepare yourselves for a surprise of your own. The extra charge will be coming out of your tip. There. I've said it. Now, I can get on with my life.

Agrarian Love Story by Michael Zinetti

Here's cute little story about youthful love and innocence, against the backdrop of farm-life. See what happens when the young lovers decide to forgo another escape to the local drive-in, in lieu of an adventure much closer to home; each others arms.


MZ on When Capitalism Turned To Cannibalism

I might have missed the boat on this one, possibly by about fifty years or so, but why did we let businesses uproot from America, taking away jobs from Americans so companies could benefit from cheap foreign labor? In my opinion, this is when capitalism turned to cannibalism. Gordon Gekko says greed is good. Yeah, but not when it's at the expense of your own hand or foot. Who benefits from outsourcing our jobs? The execs, the shareholders, which may be one in the same. A relatively small group of people benefit. Meanwhile a multitude of American workers are left without work. It's almost like tooth decay for the whole economy, rotting from the inside out. A nation hollowed out by greed. This seems to be simple math. When an American buys something that's NOT made in America, who benefits? That same small group of execs and shareholders. This money doesn't go back into the hands of American workers. Only a small percentage through taxes. So, how is this good for our economy when we buy goods that benefit only a few Americans? Why wasn't this obvious, whenever this trend first started, that this was gonna gut America? How could we have let this happen? How did we let capitalism turn to cannibalism?

Fundamental changes we can make to get America back on track. This might be difficult now, considering virtually everything you pick up in a store says it was made in Taiwan or China or Sri Lanka, etc., but we should always try to buy American. And that means from businesses that are owned, produced, everything, in America. This would be a huge step in the right direction. Since we've let capitalism turn to cannibalism, it's been hard to find things that are made entirely in America. So, in the mean time, while America reinvents itself as a Buy American nation, we should apply a hefty tax/tariff on goods produced abroad. I mean nice and hefty. One that makes the businesses that rely on foreign slave labor to buckle. So, it's no longer cost-effective to outsource jobs. And soon, we will see the business returning to America with their tail tucked between their legs.

At first, once the revolution is fully implemented and gaining momentum, these big businesses will bitch and moan like crazy. They'll go into fiery tantrums like big fat spoiled babies. And in Washington, when we turn the lights on, all their lobbyist-cockroaches will scurry every which way. But no matter what, we have to be steadfast. I mean, if we want America back. If we want a strong America, we have to push. We have to use as much strength and power as it took for big business to take America away from us in the first place. We have the power. Our actions, where we choose to spend our dollars, can turn the tide.

Unless of course, you like the way things are going. Unless you like tooth decay, and watching America rot from the inside out. Unless you like cannibalism. We are all for capitalism. But not at the expense of our own hand or foot. Ultimately, we are all for patriotism. We are for America!

MZ on 3 Things I've Learned From Watching The Tudors

There are 3 things I've learned from watching the Tudors. 1. There were a lot more boobs back then, natural ones at that. 2. It's amazing how much the Catholic Church controlled things during the 1500's. 3. It's unfathomable to see to what lengths the world can be changed by one single solitary and skillfully wielded hoo-ha, in this case Anne Boleyn's hoo-ha. I mean, if it weren't for this conniving whore and her mercenary snatch, latching onto Henry VIII's lustful mind and/or balls, Protestantism might not have ever taken root in the world. Without the English King's need for a divorce, causing a schism in the Catholic Church, the Catholics definitely would have been strong enough to eventually smother Lutheranism in its crib. It's amazing. It is to be noted, I usually don't condone the usage of the word "snatch" to describe a woman's hoo-ha. I find the term repulsive. A hoo-ha should be treated with the utmost respect, and thus, should always be referred to as Hoo-Ha or Miss, Mrs. or Madame Hoo-Ha.

"Senses Working Overtime" by XTC

It only took me about 30 years to wake up and smell the XTC. Now I'm addicted. Here's one of their more infectious tunes, "Senses Working Overtime," live.

MZ on Bob 3:16

For Bob so loved the squirrel that he gave his only begotten nut, that whosoever eatith on it, shall not be famished, but have everlasting squirrelness, which is like a really good thing, especially in this economy.

MZ on Being A Man Among Crickets

Dear cricket somewhere in my room. I apologize for freaking out and flinging you across the room. If I was thinking straight I would have pulled myself together and simply returned you to the wild (aka my backyard). But damn, you freaked me out! So, if we should meet again, I hope to do right by you. I hope to exhibit some shred of manliness and not scream like a girl and fling you across the room. You deserve better, cricket.

MZ on The Pretty Men Phenomenon

I don't think it's strange. Maybe a little implausible. But it's true. Sometimes, quite by happenstance, a man in drag can appear prettier than a woman. Take these two for instance. So similar in eyes, hair and makeup, they could be sisters. But wait! The sister on the left is Angela Lansbury in Sweeney Todd. Quite grotesque, is she not? Then, the sister on the right is, of all people, Queen drummer, Roger Taylor, from the video, "Break Free". How's that for sisters? So, is it Roger Taylor's fault that he's prettier than Angela Lansbury?

MZ on The 31 Scariest Kinds Of People

I don't care what people say, people can be scary. I'm scared of all kinds of people. Here's a list of the scariest kinds of people I can think of.

31. Foreigners: This is more of a subconscious fear not grounded in reality. The irrational fear of anyone who looks or sounds different.

30. Anyone who sits right next to you: Anyone who walks into a sparsely populated room and sits right next to you. Freaky!

29. Nazis: They're mostly gone now so I think we can relax.

28. Bikers: They have tattoos and don't give a fuck.

27. Charles Manson: If you watch more than 15 minutes of one of his interviews, you won't be able to sleep, guaranteed.

26. Info-mercial Audience Members: These people are insane.

25. Librarians: They're just always there, working on something they seem to think is important. You would think they're there to help you. And you would be wrong. Just go up and ask them a question and you'll find out. 

24. Rich People: There's just something not right about people who can buy and sell other people.

23. Doctors: Something scary about anyone who holds the fate of someone's life in their hands on a regular basis.

22. Anyone who just walked out of a forest: No matter what, anyone who just walked out of a forest always looks like they just got finished burying somebody.

21. Homeless People: Admit it. You're a little freaked out by homeless people.

20. Lawyers: They wear suits and know the law and know how to break it.

19. James Lipton: He just knows way too much about you. Just look at the actors on Inside The Actors Studio. They always seem so freaked out by him.

18. Robots: They'll go along with all your human bs until they decide to turn. 

17. Politicians: Parasitic beings incapable of telling the truth.

16. Joel Osteen: Although Osteen avoids preaching fire and brimstone, there's just something about preachers with their tendency to dangle eternal life or damnation in front of you.

15. Clowns: They're covered in makeup and probably wanted in a couple states.

14. Old People: They're old and set in their ways, and even more so than bikers, don't give a fuck.

13. Heather Mills McCartney: Or cold and heartless gold-diggers. Mills just happens to be the best one ever.

12. Male Gynecologists: If I was a woman, I wouldn't stand for a male gynecologist. 

11. Anyone holding something: Anyone just standing there holding something freaks me out. A big lollipop. A hammer. A balloon. A camera. That's scary!

10. Gang Members: Groups of anything is scary, especially if they don't give a fuck in unison.

9. Priests: Something scary about this group of people's propensity for pedofilia.

8. Women On Religious Shows: These freaky women who douse themselves in makeup and follow their preacher husbands are like Stepford Wives on crack.

7. Neo-Nazis: I'm white and they still scare the crap out of me.

6. Mafia Members: Italians can always claim to be in the mafia to get people to step off. They're lucky that way.

5. Children: They're small and unpredictable. Basically, anyone who's scary, if you can think of a little version of them, for some reason, it's more scary.

4. Mormons: Something freaky about polygamy, even if they supposedly don't do it anymore.

3. Islamist Extremist: The extreme version of anything is pretty scary, and extremist Muslims are the scariest.

2. Jehovah's Witnesses: The more I read about these people the more they scare me. 

1. Scientologists: They're bat-shit crazy and extremely serious about it. 

MZ on Being Fairish And Sort Of Balanced

Seriously, how can Fox News claim to be FAIR and BALANCED? Have you ever heard them say a single GOOD thing about Barack Obama? Have you ever heard them say a single BAD thing about George W. Bush? I mean, if your very slogan is COMPLETELY UNTRUE, than why would anyone think your product, in this case news, is any different. I mean, doesn't your credibility go right out the window? I think it's sad when a supposed NEWS channel's validity can be trumped by a fast food joint, but it's true. Taco Bell can be trusted over Fox News. You see, Taco Bell's beef is only a small percentage real beef and so they can't claim that their items are BEEF. Instead Taco Bell refers to these items as BEEFY as if to say your burrito will have an essence of beef but not actual beef. This is sort of a slick spin, but ultimately honest. At least a lot more honest than Fox News, who is lying straight to their viewer's faces when they say they are fair and balanced. If Fox News wanted to be as stand-up as Taco Bell, they would change their slogan to FAIRISH and SORT OF BALANCED. Until Fox News says one good thing about Barack Obama and one bad thing about George W. or Mitt Romney, they should be more honest with their viewers and themselves and stop claiming to be something they aren't.

MZ on Making Au Jus Work For You

I'm glad you decided to drop by. And in a minute, so will you! In fact, reading this post could be the biggest most important event of your life. And all you have to do is keep reading and when you're done, start utilizing the techniques outlined within.

First off, are you tired of being a penniless weeble-wobble who wobbles but won't fall down? Living check to check, wobbling all the while and never falling down? Wouldn't you like to be less wobbly? Wouldn't you like to drive a Porsche? Didn't you like the Avengers?

Second off, what is the one thing that makes everyone in the world happy? I mean, what is the one thing that cuts through all cultural barriers, no matter how stupid and backwards these foreigner's cultures are? That's right! Au jus dipping sauce!

Third off, what I'm proposing is everyone out there stop doing your job. You don't need a boss telling you what to do. I mean, how many times have you personally seen your boss do something stupid like misuse there/their/they're? Probably lots. Cuz they're stupid and smell. Do you really want to keep working at a place like that? Where your only goal in life is to someday fill your boss's position, only to spend the rest of your days being scrutinized mercilessly by all your underlings, watching and waiting for you to f up? In some cases, being so annoying that they're even watching to see if you misuse there/their/they're? Bullocks!

Fourth off, hand to hand combat and au jus sauce go hand in hand.

Fifth off, what I'm proposing is gathering all your resources. All your possessions! All your assets! And literally liquidating them! Right now! Within a week, you could turn all your stuff into au jus dipping sauce! I'm serious! I need it! Once you've established this, you can make au jus work for you! You can even use au jus as legal tender! I'm serious! No more waiting in line at the post office. With au jus, all you do is dip the corner of your envelope in au jus and you're good to go. Are you sending something heavy? Well, just dip it deeper in the au jus. There's really no limit to what you can do with your au jus! I'm serious!

Sixth off, and lastly, the easiest step of all: sit back and watch the money roll in! All your financial burdens will be a thing of the past. You can finally have that island in the Pacific you always wanted! Where you can start your own society. Where every man is worshiped like a god and given 3 sometimes even 4 wives, to be loved and sexed and sometimes even traded like baseball cards with your friends. And the lakes and rivers are flowing with beefy au jus. And the women know there place. And you can never feel pain. And your hemorrhoids never flare up. And where your team always wins. And girls find you sexy. And laundry day never comes. And Oscar Wilde is revered. And where time travel is imminent. And evolution stops here. And where a thumb is no longer made to think it's any less than a finger. And where transvestites don't frighten you so much. And cole slaw is made tangy, never tart. I'm serious.

All of this and au jus can be yours. But only if you're willing to put down that job and house and follow au jus.  

"Clean" by Ken Sweet

We'd like to recommend one of our friend's books, "Clean" by Ken Sweet. "Clean" is an inspiring book, especially for anyone suffering from an unshakeable bout with guilt.

Intro: Benjamin Whyte is about to set out on a quest. When his world begins to collapse around him, Ben recalls a vision he had as a child-a vision of cool water that can wash away the grime and filth accumulated over the course of a lifetime, a vision of a glowing light that can heal and make whole - a vision of Clean. He also remembers the shadowy stranger who barred his path. Leaving his former life behind him, Ben embarks on a journey to find Clean. Following the recommendation of a mysterious new friend, he purchases a plane ticket and travels through a land of ancient spirituality in search of his goal. Clean is a chronicle of this adventure; an adventure full of peril, romance, enlightenment, and ultimately, a confrontation with the dark man himself.

Reviews: "Becomes a personal soul-searching experience. Ken's writing is thought provoking, insightful, and often profound." -- Reader Views

"His imagery puts you right in the middle of the mystical old world locations over in Britain." -- Podlings

"This story meshes perfectly the world that we all live in and the Arthurian world of Knights and honour that many of us wish still existed." -- TCM Reviews

"It is a rare work, especially one as concise as Clean, that can bring together the many elements of serious fiction in one piece: the various forms of conflict (man against man, man against nature, main against himself), tangible settings, symbol, allusion, meaningful theme, nemesis, historicity, and exploration of the human condition. That Sweet has managed this in Clean without drawing attention to the manner in which this is achieved demonstrates Sweet's deep understanding of and dedication to the craft." -- Chevalier Editions

"His imagery puts you right in the middle of the mystical old world locations over in Britain as Ben quests from site to site for clues to CLEAN." -- P.O.D.LINGS

"This is an inspiring book...Ben's own angst and yearnings leap off the page." -- Book Ideas

MZ on Meeting Macho Man Randy Savage

In my heart of hearts, I think my life has been slightly lessened by the fact that I never got to meet Macho Man Randy Savage. This goes to show you there are no guarantees in life. So, remember, when you have a chance to meet important people like the Dalai Lama, Stephen Hawking, or even Jake The Snake Roberts, you need to seize the opportunity.

MZ on How Hot Fran Drescher Is

It's surprising how hot Fran Drescher is. All anyone ever thinks about when they think about Fran Drescher is that incredibly annoying voice. And let me tell ya, that is one incredibly annoying voice. It isn't until we're all dead and buried, when we will suddenly open our eyes and realize, "Wait just a fucking minute! Fran Drescher was hot!" (Assuming we still have eyes.)

MZ on Finally A Candidate I Can Believe In

I would vote if I believed any of them. That's why I think a dog could beat most candidates. I mean when was the last time a dog lied to you? Dogs are pretty cut and dry. I'm not sure what a dog's stance would be on some of these complicated issues in Washington. And yet, that doesn't really bother me. As long as we got the lying thing taken care of. "I yield the rest of my time to play fetch with my esteemed colleague, Senator Spot from Rhode Island."

"Long Limbed Girl" by Nick Lowe

I first heard this song on one of my many marathon treks through the world of youtube. It really is addictive. I must have started out on Graham Parker, and then maybe to Joe Jackson, and then maybe to Elvis Costello, and then to Nick Lowe. I never really listened to much of Nick Lowe, at least not knowingly. Lowe has written hundreds of songs, lots of huge hits, like Costello's "(What's so Funny 'Bout) Peace, Love, and Understanding". However, it was this song, "Long Limbed Girl", one of Lowe's newer stripped-down songs that really caught my ear. From the retro feel, with the infectious yet unorthodox timing and rhythm to Lowe's input as songwriter and singer, I was completely captivated. And since discovering it, I must have listened about 200 times.

MZ on Alone Time

I put a wig on and dance around like Buffalo Bill with my naughty parts tucked away and I look in the mirror and say to myself, "You look marvelous," like I'm Billy Crystal and there's about a million different things running through my head and then I see you standing there. It's obvious. You see me, too. One of us should say something. But no one does. Why you always gotta fuck up my alone time?

MZ on Big Asses

How many times do I have to tell you? Girls are supposed to have a big ass. It's what makes you a girl. Otherwise you'd be a boy. Or an eleven year old girl. So when you ask if your ass looks big in those jeans, I'm gonna say, "Yeah." But not in a bad way. In a good way. I might even say, "Yeah, but it could be bigger. Let's see...You must have something in the closet that'll make your ass look bigger. How 'bout this? Yeah! That's what I'm talking about!"

MZ on Loving Everyone On 9/11

Love for those who lost their life on that day. Love for those who lost their life in the subsequent wars. Love to anyone whose life was changed forever on that day. In other words, love for everyone. Love for the world. That's what I have on this day, a love that outweighs everything else I feel. Love.

MZ on The Scourge Of Humanity, AKA Real Housewives

Sometimes I can't help but think about the good ole days. There's like a bazillion things that were better then, then they are now. My most recent remembrance is Bravo. The way it used to be. Admittedly, I'm not the most diversified person. I'm pretty much a creature of habit. And back about ten years ago, when circumstances in my life allotted more TV watching, I pretty much hovered between a handful of channels. I think one was ESPN, then maybe FOX Sports, then Comedy Central, then VH1 Classic, then Bravo.

Well, the good thing is ESPN hasn't and probably never will make drastic changes, as sports are pretty much a constant. And yet, I don't watch FOX Sports that much anymore, since Best Damn Sports Show, which pretty much was the best damn sports show, is no more. Comedy Central is still good, not as good as I remember, but still good. I don't have VH1 Classic anymore, and I miss it, cuz I love seeing all those old videos, but Youtube more than makes up for this. And then there's Bravo.

Bravo used to be good. I used to like all the independent films, Inside the Actor's Studio, and pretty much anything else on Bravo. And then, during my ten year absence, when I wasn't watching much TV, something terrible happened. And it's called Real Housewives. Real Housewives of Wherever; New York, Orange County, etc., have completely taken over Bravo. When did this happen? I never thought I could miss James Lipton, as he was always such a creepy dude, but, hey, I'm miss James Lipton! In his stead, it's nonstop Real Housewives. Who is watching this shit? Why? Reality TV is horrible for the most part, and Real Housewives has got to be the pinnacle of this awfulness. I never would have known how awful this show was if wasn't for this girl I was dating, who was addicted to the Real Housewives shows. I tried to be a good boyfriend and give her interests a chance. But in the end, it was just too much to bear. After a while, I was just sitting there, praying for death, thinking how life is too short to waste even a second watching this moronic crap.

First of all, NOTHING is happening on the Real Housewives. Second, if people would give life half a chance, they could be doing whatever these Real Housewives are doing in their own lives-which isn't much. Third, for the most part, these women are complete morons. You can tell who the smart ones are because they're the ones that leave the show after one season, ie, Cat from Real Housewives of New York, or was it DC? Fourth, most of these women aren't housewives at all. If anything Real Housewives destroys marriages and in some cases LIVES. And yet it keeps going. Andy Cohen, have you no decency? Fifth, you can actually feel your brain softening and turning to mush when you watch Real Housewives. TV is a passive enough experience. When you watch Real Housewives, your brain is doing even less work, since nothing is going on. Sixth, there's nothing real about Real Housewives. Anything in the show that moves the story along or seems to create plot is the work of the show's producers. Otherwise there would be no show. So, in conclusion, seventh, you only have so much time on this planet. Do you really want to spend hours upon hours of your time watching Real Housewives who aren't even real or housewives?

MZ on Heiny Insurance

Heiny Insurance Salesmen: Tom, Dick, Harry, Harry, and Harry
There aren't a lot of businesses that have the balls to support, but the fine people at Heiny Insurance in Bumfuck Egyptown, NY have stepped up to the plate. If you've been feeling a little vulnerable lately, like something might happen to your ass, we at implore you to go see Tom, Dick, Harry, Harry and the other Harry at Heiny Insurance and they'll be sure to cover your ass. Like that big-headed kid from Jerry Maguire said, Bees and Dogs smell fear. Well, I'd like to add women can also smell fear. Or moreso, lack of confidence. If you employ the fine people at Heiny Insurance, you can say goodbye to that unsure feeling. And hello to knowing, no matter what, whatever you do, your ass is covered! Call Heiny Insurance now! It's important. It's your ass we're talking about. (BTW, Heiny Insurance now insures women's asses too! However, these policies may require additional fees given the pound for pound, girth of women's asses, which is a good thing, right?)

MZ on Safeguarding Against Perverts

Today's society is scary. And you never know where the creepers are lurking. Recently, a friend expressed some concerns about hearing reports that there was a man near a local school trying to lure kids into his van. I don't have kids, but I still wanted to offer some advice. So I suggested she give her kid a gun or maybe an RPG. I mean, every kid has a cellphone nowadays. Why not a gun or an RPG? One thing perverts hate is getting blown up.

MZ on Me And My Conscience 2012!

I've decided to do something different for this year's election. I'm voting my conscience. I hope my conscience wins. Thank you. You're welcome. You're gonna need a running mate. Oh, how bout me? Definitely. Me and My Conscience 2012!

MZ on Yielding To Your Own Autonomy

I think the worry surrounding burning bridges is part of growing up and becoming your own person. Eventually you get to a maturity level where you no longer have this inbuilt desire to please everyone. You start to realize its okay to please yourself. Even if this means you have to burn a bridge in the process. If you ever want to get on the highway, eventually you have to say, "No! Fuck you! I'm not yielding anymore! It's my turn to get on this motherfucking highway!"

"A Bad Girl's Guide To Staying Good" by Michael Zinetti

This song is a Jessi Murphy aka Bliss poem of the same name put to music by Michael Zinetti. When I first heard this poem, I was floored. Especially by the phrase, "Sunshine Of My Cunt." That was a killer. And rightaway, I wanted to put it to song.

A Brief History Of The Westboro Baptist Church

Goober Felps: WBC Founder
The following is a hilarious yet completely accurate, I'm sure, account and history of the Westboro Baptist Church. You know, those assholes that show up wherever they can, like maybe a veteran's funeral, and hold up signs like, "Pray For More Dead Soldiers", or "God Hates Fags," or, "God Blew Up the Shuttle." Basically, these people are scum, and here's their story:

A long time ago, approximately 50 years ago even, Goober Felps, the founder of the Westboro Baptist Church, who, at the time was working as a door-to-door used diaper salesman, stumbled on a “real neat” concept he affectionately referred to as, “How much of a jerk can I be?” The concept became something of an obsession, and he soon found himself neglecting to make new batches of used diapers. Instead, all he seemed to want to do is sit around and think of awful things to say to people.

In order to find out how big of a jerk he could truly be, Goober realized he would have to take his jerkiness to the people. So Goober started going around town saying things like, “Hello, Mrs. Baker. You sure are pretty. And might I say that perfume you’re wearing sure is doing it’s best to cover up your usual stench. I reckon it’s time you had yourself a bath, now, Mrs. Baker. Don’t you?”

I’m sure you can imagine it wasn’t long before everyone in the small Kansas town wanted to lynch Goober. Lucky for Goober, most of the folks in town were good Christians and showed tolerance and turned the other cheek, which really bugged the crap out of Goober. So Goober, in a stroke of pure genius, decided to make himself big signs that said all the mean things he thought of. That way, even if the good townsfolk ignored his mean words, there was still a chance they might sneak a peek at his sign, as bright and colorful as he painted them. And when they did, why Goober could hardly contain his satisfaction, because he knew deep down where his heart was supposed to be, he had accomplished his goal and ruined that person’s day. The signs were also good because Goober didn’t have to risk losing his voice. This way, he could stay out longer and spread more hate, which suited him just fine.

MZ on Romney Being A Mormon

I don't care if Romney is a Mormon. I just don't vote for robots. Robots don't have souls. That's like the first thing you notice about robots when you meet them. Oh, and I lied before, I think I do care he's a Mormon. Sue me. According to the Book of Mormon, if you accidentally break someone's window you have to step right up and admit to it. No way! I ain't admitting crap. I'm more like running. As fast as I can. Which isn't very fast anymore.

MZ on Chinese Food Ambitions

Is it wrong that I've decided to forgo all my other life-plans, whatever they were, and move back to New Hampshire to camp out across the street from my favorite Chinese restaurant, Grand China, in Salem? My ambition is to eat there once, twice, or maybe even three times every day. I will get so fat. But I won't care. I'll get so fat, people will confuse me with the giant golden Buddha statue they have in the lobby. But like Buddha, I won't give a shit. The only wrinkle in my plan is my camping out across the street. Presently, a K-Mart is there. So it might be hard to camp out there. I could camp out on the roof. I worry about all the weather I'll have to weather if I do that. Maybe I could break in every night and live in one of the furniture displays. It's of no matter, as long as I get to feed my face with all that delicious Chinese food. Don't F with me. I'm serious! Buddha bless you.

MZ on Resurrecting People

I hope you guys know, it's really hard to resurrect people unless you have a potion of resurrection. And even then, it doesn't always work. So drive safe.

MZ on A New Cooking Show

I want to start a cooking show which specializes in incredibly simple and mundane dishes. Like maybe in the first show, I'll make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. I think there should be a studio audience and I think they should be made to appear very interested, even maybe in awe. Maybe halfway through the show, I'll surprise everyone and pull out my secret ingredient, perhaps a freshly chopped off human hand, maybe one of the show's intern's hands. Initially, this would produce a couple screams from the studio audience. I would march on, oblivious and undaunted. And eventually, the studio audience's mood would change from horror to unbridled pleasure and amazement, even while some of their compatriots lie passed out next them. Finally, I would close the show with a little joke, followed by applause, and start divvying up the peanut butter and jelly and bloody hand sandwich for the audience. As the end credits roll, the camera would pan around the audience members eating and smiling and laughing maniacally, seemingly unaware of their blood-slathered faces.

MZ on Getting Suicide

I just don't get suicide. I just don't get it. Unless of course you just got word that you have some terminal disease and you're gonna go through tons of pain. I mean then maybe. Or maybe you find out you have alzheimers and pretty soon you're not even gonna recognize your own spouse or kids. I mean, in that case it seems okay. Or one day, maybe you realize, "Oh crap, I'm married to Courtney Love!" Then I could understand. But unless you have some terminal disease, alzheimers, or married to Courtney Love, there's really no good reason to kill yourself. So quit it. 

MZ on D&D

My fondest memories of playing dungeons and dragons was my willingness to always attack everything. It didn't matter what Ken (the GM) put in front of us. Thirty Orcs, three Stone Golems, a gelatinous cube, or a bus full of nuns. I was always attacking. My fellow gamers would say, "Wait, Mike, they're gonna kill us!" or "Wait, Mike, we should try to get information from them." And I would say, "Too late. I already rolled. 15. Did I hit?" I hardly ever attack anything now. It's sad. How can I? I don't even own a 20-sided.

MZ on Contraception, Legitimate Rape-Style

The next time I'm having sex with a girl. And who knows, it might happen. I hope, while we're doing it, unprotected style, I remember to tell the girl, "Listen, Baby. I like you a whole lot. I do. I do. But, Baby, we don't wanna mess up and have a baby, now do we, Baby? So, if you don't mind, please try to shut the whole thing down, as in all your girl-parts. You know, like you were being legitimately raped. Can you do that for me, Baby? Thanks a lot. Now, excuse me, while I kiss the sky." I always recite song lyrics when I'm about to finish. It's just something you need to know about me.  

MZ on Uses For A Matchbox 20 CD

If I was stranded on a desert island with only one CD and the CD was a Matchbox 20 CD, I'd be super happy, because then I could break it and use the jagged edges for arrow or spear tips or a knife to scale or cut fish. I mean, what else would you use a Mathbox 20 CD for?

MZ on Because, 'Cause, 'Cos, and Cuz

As a writer, I have to say something must be done about the Because, 'Cause, 'Cos, and Cuz dilemma. When you're walking around in the world, I don't think people always say the full Because. The language is evolving or some might say devolving. People rely heavily on the simplified, 'Cause, 'Cos, or Cuz. Well, what to do if you're in the business of writing, and trying to write, particularly, how people speak? What should be done about this particularly troublesome colloquialism? I've seen in books as both, 'Cause and 'Cos. But people don't say 'Cause like the word Cause. Nor do people say 'Cos like short for Bill Cosby. People basically say Cuz. Plain and simple. That's exactly how it's pronounced. Admittedly, Cuz can sometimes be confused to mean short for Cousin. And it can also be construed as some representation of Ebonics. However, it is closest to the true spoken word. And plus it requires no apostrophe, which is always nice. Either way, a decision has to be made. And that's what I've done. Across the board, in all my books, when the situation demands it, I'm going to use the simple Cuz. And I think it's time the world did, too. Consider this my declaration. We can make it our declaration. Our cause. Cuz Cuz just sounds right. Cuz has served as our linguistic red-headed stepchild long enough. It's time to legitimize Cuz. Cuz I said so. Cuz Cuz demands it.

Excerpt from Chapter 4: My Purpose? School? Work? To Do List? by Godbolt

I couldn’t give a crap about school right then. And yet, that’s exactly where I was. Just a few minutes later. Sitting there, readied for another marathon session of relentless note taking. This was my MWF 3 O’clock U.S. History class. My second go around with this class. I had taken it before, in the fall, but missed one too many classes and messed up one too many tests. I was doing better this time around, but this particular day would not be a good example of that.

Read full excerpt here.

MZ on Unplanned Parenthood

Why would anyone protest planned parenthood? I mean, what do these people want? Unplanned parenthood? That'll never work. Do they also protest planned grocery shopping? I mean, if you go grocery shopping without planning or making a list, you're liable to come out of there with twenty boxes of macaroni and cheese. I'm sorry, but I'm gonna keep planning stuff. It works better.

Excerpt From Chapter 2: Before I Was Godbolt by Godbolt

I think it’s fair to say my life has always been for crap, on account, mostly, of all my mental problems. When I was very young, in an effort to get me back on track, my mother brought me to Dr. Guillen, who insisted I needed “chemical help.” Although everyone meant well, the meds pretty much turned me into a zombie. I have only a vague recollection of this time period in my life. From what I can remember, it was kind of like Night of the Living Dead, the way I was mindlessly maneuvering my way through my formative years, never stopping to contemplate exactly what or why I was doing anything. This was before I discovered my powers. Before I found my teacher and got my mind right. Before my life had purpose. Before I was Godbolt.

Read full excerpt here.

MZ on "Where's The Beef" Therapy

If you are reading this post, you must immediately do three jumping jacks, spin around, and say, "Where's the Beef?" to the nearest living creature. There is a good chance, afterwards, you will feel completely silly, but that pain you've been feeling will have strangely disappeared. It could happen. If you believe in the healing powers of "Where's the beef" therapy. All rights reserved.

Salem Unbound by our friends Ken Sweet and MT Danielson

Salem Unbound a novel by Ken Sweet and MT Danielson 
Do you remember your first love? How about the competition you faced for their affection? Two awkward young boys, both forced to uproot and follow their families to a town in southern New Hampshire, develop an unlikely alliance as they attempt to overcome the challenges of settling into their new lives. They also develop an amusing rivalry as they each attempt to woo the gem in Salem's crown, a popular and aloof schoolmate named Audrey. Thus begins a seething enmity that continues to rear its head 20 years later as the friends struggle to put together a book detailing their experiences. Set against the backdrop of the early 80's, Salem Unbound is a series of candid and hilarious memoirs about the challenges of growing up; an imaginative and touching childhood saga of love, jealousy, and ultimately, of friendship.

MZ on Little Women's Gymnastics

Something that's always puzzled me is, why do they call it women's gymnastics? They're just little girls. I don't see any women. In fact, the less womanly they are the better. It's kinda freaky. They're over the hill at like age 16.

MZ on Asking God To Blow Up Mohela

Dear Heavenly Father:
I know you got lots of stuff to do and your time is very expensive. But they're bothering me again. BTW, it's me, Michael Zinetti. It's the loan people. It's Mohela. They want their money again. How can I tell them it's just not gonna happen? How can I tell them the degree I got with the loan was utterly worthless? Do you think they'd accept my worthless degree in exchange for all this money? I'm at my wits end with these people. So, what I'm really asking, if it's no trouble, is if You could kindly blow these people up. Well, not the people so much. I don't want to hurt any people. Just Mohela itself. Is there any way You could just blow up Mohela. I don't know. It seems like this would do a lot of good for people. Remember, I don't want You to blow up the actual people calling me and whatnot. Just their employer. I know You are faithful. Thank you. Amen. Blow up.

MZ on Using Hotdogs For Currency

I wish we used hot dogs for currency. I mean, it wouldn't be very practical. I mean, it'd be hard to hold more than a dozen hot dogs or so on your person at once. But just think of all the applications! Plus when you go downtown and you are accosted by the beggars, asking for change, or in this case an extra hot dog, I mean, crap, you'd probably be relieved to give them an extra hot dog, cuz that'd mean one less hot dog you have to lug around.

MZ on Beating Your Meat

One expression you just don't hear anymore is "beat your meat". I mean, what happened? Doesn't anyone beat their meat anymore? Did we as a society all of a sudden just get too cool or mature to ask people if they're beating their meat? Is the subject taboo? Or moot? Or is it against God? Or country? Inquiring minds like mine wanna know. Are you beating your meat?

MZ on AG

I don't know what it is, but something about AG (Assemblies of God) creeps me out. I think it might have something to do with how monstrous they are. So, when it comes time to tithe, I balk at the idea of giving them any money. I mean, why should I tithe to an over-sized religious organization with massive buildings, saturated with lots of administrative positions, and loosely related companies like AG Credit Union? The same goes for any big religious organization for that matter. I would much rather tithe to a charity, or an organization that actually serves the needs of people in need, ie. Amnesty International, etc. Somebody out there, like perhaps a Juarez factory worker, who's been raped and buried alive on their way home from work, when she prays for help, I doubt some fat cat AG higher-up is going to come to her rescue. More than likely, if anyone's gonna help her, it's Amnesty International.

It seems to me, a church should probably never get confused with a business. And yet, that's what it seems like. Not just a big church but a big business. I remember having to sit through many a service where the preacher reported on General Council meetings and whatnot. The whole time I was thinking, what am I doing here? Is this church or what? Then there was the time they were offering to help all the elderly congregation members get their wills in order, for free! I thought that was nice. Then I found out they were only doing it so people would leave AG some money. Then there's the voting fiasco. When it comes time for public elections, members are given a "cheat sheet" of all the candidates AG endorses and who they think you should vote for. This all seems very shady. And now, recently, AG's been letting all these people go at their headquarters, here in Springfield, MO, with no warning and no thought for their retirement. Now, does this sound like big church or big business? Just to show that nobody is bigger than AG, even retired pastors, who have worked for AG for thirty plus years, relying on AG for their welfare, living in parsonages and whatnot, when they retire, are left to fend for themselves with no means for income to speak of.

I don't know about you, but some of this behavior, how AG being a religious organization is somewhat above the law, seems a bit more like a different sort of organization. Something a bit more sinister. For a small fee, 10% of your earnings, as well as additional offerings, AG will protect you and your eternal soul. How is AG not like other big religions from the past, which protestantism broke away from? How is AG not like the shady business side of Scientology? How is AG not like the mafia?

If He were here, I'm not sure what Jesus would do. I mean after He turned over all the money-changers' tables of course. Would He be comfortable sitting through a service where the preacher goes on and on about General Council meetings and whatnot? Would He approve of the way AG conducts business. Or would He even waste his time? Something tells me He'd quit all this AG bullshit and go save the factory worker, buried alive in Juarez, Mexico?

MZ on This War

I don't like war. I don't like fighting. I just wanna love everybody. I know that sounds dumb. But really, I just wanna love everybody. I'm not a hippy. There is a time to war. There is a time to fight. What people seem to forget is there is also a time to stop.

There are men in rooms, deciding what to do next. When are one of these men gonna say game over?

I love chess. There is a beginning or opening, there is a counter to the opening, at some point there is a move that changes the game, there is an attempt to turn the tide back, and then there is the inevitable end. Yes, there is an end. When the contest is unwinnable, or when there are no more pieces, there is an end.

I think this might be the problem.

The men in these rooms, they seem to think they have an unlimited amount of pieces. And who knows, maybe they do. I imagine they're pleased to have an endless amount of pieces. But what if they didn't? What if they only had a king, a queen, two bishops, two knights, two rooks and eight pawns? And what if these pieces had names and faces? And what if their names were people in their own family or their own community? What if THEY were one of these pieces. If these were the stakes, do you think the men in these rooms would want to keep playing?

MZ on Obama Rodman: A Matter Of National Security

Please don't get excited. This is only a theory. But there is a distinct possibility that Dennis Rodman has infiltrated the White House. I know. Freaky, huh? For years, Dennis Rodman has been trying to do something crazy, and this stunt takes the cake. Yes, you guessed it, we have reason to believe Michelle Obama may not be who she professes to be, which is like a normal woman and whatnot. We have reason to believe that Michelle Obama is actually Dennis Rodman in drag. Think about it. Have you ever seen them together in one place? No, you haven't. Cuz, duh, they're the same dude/person. Here are some of their comparisons and you be the judge:

Height: Both Tall.
Skin color: Both Brownish
Eye color: Both Blackish
Eye shape: Both Big and Dopey
Nose: Rodman's nose is just plain strange looking. Obama's nose is pretty basic. However, practically the first thing every master of disguise buys with their master of disguise money is an assortment of prosthetic noses. A-la the Pink Panther.

Public Speaking: Rodman pretty much just mumbles. Obama is a gifted orator. For many years, Rodman has shown the ability to surprise people, and I wouldn't put it past him to sharpen his public speaking abilities in order to accomplish his goal of infiltrating the White House. Then again, Rodman's profoundly unpredictable, but mostly lacking motivation throughout his career makes this seem pretty unlikely.
Jump Shot: Both go out of their way to avoid taking jump shots. Even when they're wide open.
Rebounding: Both excel.

Thank you for your time concerning these matters. It is Michael Zinetti's desire to keep all American's safe. It's imperative that we keep our eyes open. You never know when Dennis Rodman is gonna pop up. So, the next time you see Michelle Obama, watch for signs of Rodman-ness. It may save your life.

Godbolt, Book One from The Godbolt Series

Godbolt is the first book in The Godbolt Series. It introduces the main character of the series, Chris Bontey or Godbolt, as well as the two secondary main characters, Kevin Sarcy or The Mindwriter and Blastus Legend or the Anti-Nigger Machine.
Chris Bontey or Godbolt is a 23-year-old Chinese food delivery driver and lackluster college student who misses his medication and as a result seems to develop super powers. This first book shows Bontey dealing with this discovery and the realization he must quit his meds altogether. Also, Bontey realizes he needs to find a teacher to help him learn to concentrate and cultivate his powers.

Unbeknownst to Bontey, there is a secret government organization, aptly and simply titled, The Organization led by an extremely determined man named Horace Danbury. The purpose of the Organization is unclear, but seems to be to find mutants and either get them to join the Organization or terminate them.

The book begins with the Organization attempting to recruit Kevin Sarcy or The Mindwriter. Danbury’s plan is to recruit the Mindwriter and then recruit Blastus Legend or the Anti-Nigger Machine (ANM), who appears powerful enough to eventually recruit Bontey or Godbolt, who is, to Danbury the grand prize of all mutants.

The book is written in first person from the three main characters’ points of view, with Godbolt taking the lion’s share of the book, followed by The Mindwriter, and lastly the ANM.

Kevin Sarcy or The Mindwriter is an ambition mind reader and writer with immense powers and promise, who, apart from ambition, has a very sadistic and egotistical streak. He is a downright bastard.

Blastus Legend or The Anti-Nigger Machine, named after the Public Enemy song of the same title, is an ex-college basketball star who injured his knee and thus ending his hopes of NBA stardom. To make matters worse, Legend loses his scholarship and is forced to leave school. These events leave Legend a deeply bitter man. He sees much of his fate as a result of his color. He is extremely depressed and moves to the inner-city and becomes a drug dealer and pimp. However, when he develops special powers, Legend’s life takes a completely different turn.

MZ on Leary Lundgren

Is it just me or does Dolph Lundgren look like he could be Denis Leary's bad-ass older brother? Or could it be Denis Leary looks like Dolph Lundgren's slightly drugged out younger brother. It could happen.

MZ on Sorry-Ass Drones

I always think about that silliness, you know, when someone asks you, "If you only had a week left to live, what would you do?" Chances are, none of us would do what we're doing. What does that say about us? Are we just a bunch of sorry-ass drones shuffling our feet through our lives in order to get to the stuff we really want to do? Whatever that is. I hope not. Amen. Bless me father for I have sinned.

#13 from Some Ways To Make Your Penis Bigger

Convince the girl that your penis size is a result of the weather.
Girls often blame things on the weather. They pull that shit all the time. Why not try it? Explain to the girl that since it is so cold or so hot, your penis is smaller than usual. You could say, “Yeah, it’s because of all the rain we’ve been having. My penis is usually monstrous but for some reason whenever it rains my penis only gets yay big.”

MZ on Being a Pickless Wonder

Life is smaller without a pick. I look at my guitar. I want to play it, but I can't. No pick. Instead of playing the guitar, I spend the next ten minutes looking around my room for my missing pick. No luck. Sure, I could play the guitar without, but I just don't like the sound, and plus I get a blister on my thumb after the third song. And that hurts like hell. Without a pick, my muse turns into an unexorcized demon, and I turn into a silenced pickless wonder.  

MZ on All Things Cuba

Cuba Gooding Jr. is my favorite actor named Cuba. Mark Cuban is my favorite sports franchise owner named Cuban. I've never had a Cuban sandwich but my uncle is quite fond of them. With all this Cuba love going around, you would think that Fidel Castro was my favorite dictator. But you would be wrong. My favorite dictator has been and always will be the great dictator, Hynkel.

Some Ways To Make Your Penis Bigger!

Announcing a new Michael Zinetti ebook! Some Ways To Make Your Penis Bigger!

Are you one of the gazillion guys on the planet plagued with that most awful affliction, you know, small penis disorder? Well, be of good cheer because all that shit is behind you now. Michael Zinetti has come to the rescue, with his new ebook, Some Ways To Make Your Penis Bigger.

MZ on Dreaming the Alive Dead

I have this bad habit of dreaming people are dead when in reality they are alive and well. Why do I do this to myself? I'm horribly sad when I wake up. And exhausted, since I spent the better part of the last few hours, sleeping and dreaming and mourning the loss of someone who isn't even dead. I remember this happened one time when I was a kid. I dreamed one of my friends had been hit by a car and died. And then, when I woke up, this same friend came over and wanted me to come out and play. I freaked out, accusing them of coming back from the dead just to F with me and then I ran back into my room. Tonight before I go to bed, I might write a list of who's alive and who's dead, so in the morning, I can check it, just to make sure I don't accuse anymore people of coming back from the dead just to F with me.

MZ on the Origin of Easter

Happy Easter people! In case you didn't know, here's a brief history on Easter/Easter Eggs/Jesus/Colt 45 Connoisseur, Lando Calrissian: Everybody knows Jesus was known to ride around Jerusalem on a magic bunny who produced rainbow-colored poop and eggs. Jewish kids had great fun trying to determine which ones were poop and which ones were eggs. In fact, kids were so enamored with the rainbow-colored poop/eggs parents had no choice but to hide them. Until one day Lando Calrissian freed all the rainbow-colored poop/eggs, spreading Easter joy throughout the land. That is why today, Billy Dee Williams can't walk into a shopping mall without being bombarded with hugs and kisses and rainbow-colored poop/eggs. Amen.

MZ on Our Jurisdiction

When we were children we were only allowed to go so far. To the end of the yard, or the end of the block, or a certain street. This was our jurisdiction. Then, as we started to grow, so grew our jurisdiction. Pretty soon, we could go to the next town, the next county, the next state, the next country, as long as we didn't stay out too late. The bigger we grew, the bigger our jurisdiction grew. Until finally our jurisdiction knew no bounds. However, how free were we? Were we as free as we think? In a natural shift, as our parents power decreased, our power increased. Until one day, our parents were powerless. And yet some sort of power rises from the ashes. Their influence, so subtle, so instilled, so nestled deep in our psyche, still giving subtle direction, and yet we don't even know. Then, sadly, the day comes when our parents are gone. And just when we thought our jurisdiction was complete, it is increased. This time, instead of outward, it grows inward. And our minds are set free. This is bittersweet freedom. But wait! As we live our lives, with seemingly infinite power, as we run around the world, or live the way we always wanted, and set our own course, free of any dirty looks from the old regime, we find something still remains. In a panic, we search our minds and our hearts, and realize, we were never once in complete control. Everything we did, was somehow weighed and approved or disapproved. Their name is on everything. Including your name itself. Their influence isn't just influence but at the base of every structure in our mind. The whole inner city in our minds, we believed to be our own creation, was built by their specifications, with a lesson here and suggestion there. Until finally we realize, we are our father's son, our mother's daughter. We are one.

MZ on Prickly People

Sure, Edgar will let you pet him. But not for more than 3 seconds straight. After that, Edgar gets afraid he's enjoying himself too much. And next thing you know, your hand is caught in a venus fly-trap of prickly kitty teeth and claws. Edgar is only a few months old. His brain is only the size of a walnut. Plus his biological mother was rather promiscuous, sometimes having 12 to 15 kitties, all out of wedlock, in one calendar year. So, it's no wonder Edgar is the way he is. So, what's your excuse?

MZ on Turning Over Love Trucks

I Turned Over The Love Truck
Lyrics to a new song by Michael Zinetti

I turned over the love truck
I turned over the love truck
And the driver crawled out of the cab
Rubbing his head and saying, "Boy, what have you done?"

I turned over the love truck
I turned over the love truck
And the love is pouring over me
A river of love flowing through this tired old city

I turned over the love truck
I turned over the love truck
And then I saw her standing there
With my love covered coat I wrapped it around her

I turned over the love truck
I turned over the love truck
And I don't care if you call the police
Lock me away and throw away the key

I turned over the love truck
I turned over the love truck

MZ on Satanic Tolerance

I hope when I get to hell, Satan isn't like one of those neat freaks who makes you take your shoes off before you walk in. Cuz chances are, my socks will have holes in them. And then I'll be all embarrassed and nervously crack a joke like, "Hey, Prince of Darkness, my socks are pretty holey, are you sure they deserve to go to hell?" Then he'll probably look at me like everyone always looks at me, like he's thinking, "Really? I gotta spend the rest of eternity with this schmuck? Really? They don't call it hell for nothing."

MZ on Giving Love

Baby, I got the love. I got the love. If you're a little light, I can cover you. No thanks necessary. Your smile is thanks enough. Baby,I got the love. I got the love. Just enough. To cover me and to cover you. Na, you're not putting me out. I'm glad to do it. And don't worry about loving me back. If you do, that's cool. If not, that's cool, too. Either way, no regrets. Baby, I got the love. I got the love. Just enough. To cover me and to cover you.

Why Is Nancy Grace Such A Mega-Bitch? Now Community Page!

My facebook page, Why Is Nancy Grace Such A Mega-Bitch? has got enough likes to become re-categorized as a community page! I'm not exactly sure if this is a good thing, but from what I'm guessing, this will bring the page more exposure. And you know me, I love to expose myself! So check out the page and like it up, and read about all the hate, loathing, and confusion people have felt about the devil's favorite daughter, Nancy Grace.

MZ on Caged Hearts

I think it's ultimately a good thing we keep our hearts in cages. I mean, what would it be like if our hearts were cage-free? Why they'd be on the loose, starting all sorts of trouble, making a mess, and getting blood splotches on everyone and everything. It would be anarchy. Yeah, God really had His thinking cap on when He thought of that one. And on a related note, I know why the caged heart sings: to get to the other side. But take it from me, this seldom works.

MZ on "The Kid"

To "The Kid" Hall of Famer and former Expos/Mets great, Gary Carter. Thanks for all the lasting memories and for being one of my first favorite players. Now that you've made it home safe, you can rest in peace.

MZ on Macaulay Dafoe

Everybody's up and arms about Macaulay Culkin's sickly appearance. But what nobody seems to realize is Willem Dafoe has looked like this his entire career. In fact, if you look close enough, there may be some genetic connection. Think about it. Have you ever seen them in the same room together? Maybe when Willem Dafoe was a struggling actor trying to make ends meet, he had a milk route and maybe the Culkin's were on his route, and maybe one day Mrs. Culkin didn't have enough money to pay her bill and Dafoe being the gifted actor he was improvised, and maybe their improvisation produced a son. And maybe this son is super fucking sickly looking. And maybe someone should fucking do something before this son fucking dies! I'm talking to you, Mila! Hell, that's nothing new, half of what I say or do is directed to Mila Kunis. Hubba hubba.

MZ on His One Truish Love

When you're kind of a nympho, and lovers are few and far between, there is always the age-old substitute for sex; food, to fulfill all my needs. So, on this very special day, I want to acknowledge my not so secret love affair with a post for all the world to see. I love you. And I have loved you for some time now. I love you when you are unfurled before my waiting mouth, when you're a Johnny's Lunch Texas Hot! I love you when you have that prickly attitude, all full of spice, when you're General Tso's Chicken. I love you when you're in the mood to smother me, when you're a Sancho covered in ooey gooey MV sauce. I love you, Baby, in all your many forms. However, like they say, all good things must come to an end. And as much as I love you, something's gotta give, and I don't mean my belt buckle. We can't go on living like this. We can't keep meeting like this. It just ain't natural. We at least need to consider seeing other people, while I can still fit through the door. Otherwise this thing is gonna turn into something ungodly. Something the preacher man might call gluttony. So, Baby, if you really love me, if you ever cared a thing for me, you'll do the right thing by me, and you won't tempt me anymore. You won't prance around on the plate, barely dressed or overdressed, depending on the form you choose, daring me to eat you all up. Cuz, Baby, I would. You know I would. That's the problem. I'm weak, Baby. And I'm not just talking about out of shape weak. So let this Valentine's Day be our last night together. In the last several years, I've really let myself go, now it's time for me to let you go. So goodbye, to my one truish love.

MZ on A Shit-Free Whitney

Who knew Bobby Brown's greatest (greatest as in most significant) contribution to music would be killing Whitney Houston. I know I know. We can't blame Bobby...entirely. I mean, every adult must, at some point take responsibility for their own actions. Still, sometimes it's easier to look at things in simple math. For instance: [Whitney Houston (all the talent in the world) - Bobby Brown (all the talent of a steaming pile of shit)] x 20 years = Whitney Houston (all the talent in the world aged 20 years and entering the latter stages of an otherwise illustrious and uninterrupted shit-free career).

Excerpt from Embolden: Prisoner In The Forest

Bolden nodded. Only now could Bolden see how detached he’d become from these things called humans and all their human things, particularly emotions and whatnot. Bolden preferred interacting on Fuguebook, the website practically everyone on the planet was on. Bolden enjoyed the abbreviated hellos and innocuous updates from friends Bolden hadn’t spoken to in 10 years. However, for Bolden, the occasional instant message or private chat was becoming too much of a social workout. Lately, he preferred to keep these humans at arm’s length, much the way he had when he actually knew these people, except more so.

excerpt from Embolden: Prisoner In The Forest