MZ on Romney Being A Mormon

I don't care if Romney is a Mormon. I just don't vote for robots. Robots don't have souls. That's like the first thing you notice about robots when you meet them. Oh, and I lied before, I think I do care he's a Mormon. Sue me. According to the Book of Mormon, if you accidentally break someone's window you have to step right up and admit to it. No way! I ain't admitting crap. I'm more like running. As fast as I can. Which isn't very fast anymore.

MZ on Chinese Food Ambitions

Is it wrong that I've decided to forgo all my other life-plans, whatever they were, and move back to New Hampshire to camp out across the street from my favorite Chinese restaurant, Grand China, in Salem? My ambition is to eat there once, twice, or maybe even three times every day. I will get so fat. But I won't care. I'll get so fat, people will confuse me with the giant golden Buddha statue they have in the lobby. But like Buddha, I won't give a shit. The only wrinkle in my plan is my camping out across the street. Presently, a K-Mart is there. So it might be hard to camp out there. I could camp out on the roof. I worry about all the weather I'll have to weather if I do that. Maybe I could break in every night and live in one of the furniture displays. It's of no matter, as long as I get to feed my face with all that delicious Chinese food. Don't F with me. I'm serious! Buddha bless you.

MZ on Resurrecting People

I hope you guys know, it's really hard to resurrect people unless you have a potion of resurrection. And even then, it doesn't always work. So drive safe.

MZ on A New Cooking Show

I want to start a cooking show which specializes in incredibly simple and mundane dishes. Like maybe in the first show, I'll make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. I think there should be a studio audience and I think they should be made to appear very interested, even maybe in awe. Maybe halfway through the show, I'll surprise everyone and pull out my secret ingredient, perhaps a freshly chopped off human hand, maybe one of the show's intern's hands. Initially, this would produce a couple screams from the studio audience. I would march on, oblivious and undaunted. And eventually, the studio audience's mood would change from horror to unbridled pleasure and amazement, even while some of their compatriots lie passed out next them. Finally, I would close the show with a little joke, followed by applause, and start divvying up the peanut butter and jelly and bloody hand sandwich for the audience. As the end credits roll, the camera would pan around the audience members eating and smiling and laughing maniacally, seemingly unaware of their blood-slathered faces.

MZ on Getting Suicide

I just don't get suicide. I just don't get it. Unless of course you just got word that you have some terminal disease and you're gonna go through tons of pain. I mean then maybe. Or maybe you find out you have alzheimers and pretty soon you're not even gonna recognize your own spouse or kids. I mean, in that case it seems okay. Or one day, maybe you realize, "Oh crap, I'm married to Courtney Love!" Then I could understand. But unless you have some terminal disease, alzheimers, or married to Courtney Love, there's really no good reason to kill yourself. So quit it. 

MZ on D&D

My fondest memories of playing dungeons and dragons was my willingness to always attack everything. It didn't matter what Ken (the GM) put in front of us. Thirty Orcs, three Stone Golems, a gelatinous cube, or a bus full of nuns. I was always attacking. My fellow gamers would say, "Wait, Mike, they're gonna kill us!" or "Wait, Mike, we should try to get information from them." And I would say, "Too late. I already rolled. 15. Did I hit?" I hardly ever attack anything now. It's sad. How can I? I don't even own a 20-sided.

MZ on Contraception, Legitimate Rape-Style

The next time I'm having sex with a girl. And who knows, it might happen. I hope, while we're doing it, unprotected style, I remember to tell the girl, "Listen, Baby. I like you a whole lot. I do. I do. But, Baby, we don't wanna mess up and have a baby, now do we, Baby? So, if you don't mind, please try to shut the whole thing down, as in all your girl-parts. You know, like you were being legitimately raped. Can you do that for me, Baby? Thanks a lot. Now, excuse me, while I kiss the sky." I always recite song lyrics when I'm about to finish. It's just something you need to know about me.  

MZ on Uses For A Matchbox 20 CD

If I was stranded on a desert island with only one CD and the CD was a Matchbox 20 CD, I'd be super happy, because then I could break it and use the jagged edges for arrow or spear tips or a knife to scale or cut fish. I mean, what else would you use a Mathbox 20 CD for?

MZ on Because, 'Cause, 'Cos, and Cuz

As a writer, I have to say something must be done about the Because, 'Cause, 'Cos, and Cuz dilemma. When you're walking around in the world, I don't think people always say the full Because. The language is evolving or some might say devolving. People rely heavily on the simplified, 'Cause, 'Cos, or Cuz. Well, what to do if you're in the business of writing, and trying to write, particularly, how people speak? What should be done about this particularly troublesome colloquialism? I've seen in books as both, 'Cause and 'Cos. But people don't say 'Cause like the word Cause. Nor do people say 'Cos like short for Bill Cosby. People basically say Cuz. Plain and simple. That's exactly how it's pronounced. Admittedly, Cuz can sometimes be confused to mean short for Cousin. And it can also be construed as some representation of Ebonics. However, it is closest to the true spoken word. And plus it requires no apostrophe, which is always nice. Either way, a decision has to be made. And that's what I've done. Across the board, in all my books, when the situation demands it, I'm going to use the simple Cuz. And I think it's time the world did, too. Consider this my declaration. We can make it our declaration. Our cause. Cuz Cuz just sounds right. Cuz has served as our linguistic red-headed stepchild long enough. It's time to legitimize Cuz. Cuz I said so. Cuz Cuz demands it.

Excerpt from Chapter 4: My Purpose? School? Work? To Do List? by Godbolt

I couldn’t give a crap about school right then. And yet, that’s exactly where I was. Just a few minutes later. Sitting there, readied for another marathon session of relentless note taking. This was my MWF 3 O’clock U.S. History class. My second go around with this class. I had taken it before, in the fall, but missed one too many classes and messed up one too many tests. I was doing better this time around, but this particular day would not be a good example of that.

Read full excerpt here.

MZ on Unplanned Parenthood

Why would anyone protest planned parenthood? I mean, what do these people want? Unplanned parenthood? That'll never work. Do they also protest planned grocery shopping? I mean, if you go grocery shopping without planning or making a list, you're liable to come out of there with twenty boxes of macaroni and cheese. I'm sorry, but I'm gonna keep planning stuff. It works better.

Excerpt From Chapter 2: Before I Was Godbolt by Godbolt

I think it’s fair to say my life has always been for crap, on account, mostly, of all my mental problems. When I was very young, in an effort to get me back on track, my mother brought me to Dr. Guillen, who insisted I needed “chemical help.” Although everyone meant well, the meds pretty much turned me into a zombie. I have only a vague recollection of this time period in my life. From what I can remember, it was kind of like Night of the Living Dead, the way I was mindlessly maneuvering my way through my formative years, never stopping to contemplate exactly what or why I was doing anything. This was before I discovered my powers. Before I found my teacher and got my mind right. Before my life had purpose. Before I was Godbolt.

Read full excerpt here.

MZ on "Where's The Beef" Therapy

If you are reading this post, you must immediately do three jumping jacks, spin around, and say, "Where's the Beef?" to the nearest living creature. There is a good chance, afterwards, you will feel completely silly, but that pain you've been feeling will have strangely disappeared. It could happen. If you believe in the healing powers of "Where's the beef" therapy. All rights reserved.

Salem Unbound by our friends Ken Sweet and MT Danielson

Salem Unbound a novel by Ken Sweet and MT Danielson 
Do you remember your first love? How about the competition you faced for their affection? Two awkward young boys, both forced to uproot and follow their families to a town in southern New Hampshire, develop an unlikely alliance as they attempt to overcome the challenges of settling into their new lives. They also develop an amusing rivalry as they each attempt to woo the gem in Salem's crown, a popular and aloof schoolmate named Audrey. Thus begins a seething enmity that continues to rear its head 20 years later as the friends struggle to put together a book detailing their experiences. Set against the backdrop of the early 80's, Salem Unbound is a series of candid and hilarious memoirs about the challenges of growing up; an imaginative and touching childhood saga of love, jealousy, and ultimately, of friendship.

MZ on Little Women's Gymnastics

Something that's always puzzled me is, why do they call it women's gymnastics? They're just little girls. I don't see any women. In fact, the less womanly they are the better. It's kinda freaky. They're over the hill at like age 16.

MZ on Asking God To Blow Up Mohela

Dear Heavenly Father:
I know you got lots of stuff to do and your time is very expensive. But they're bothering me again. BTW, it's me, Michael Zinetti. It's the loan people. It's Mohela. They want their money again. How can I tell them it's just not gonna happen? How can I tell them the degree I got with the loan was utterly worthless? Do you think they'd accept my worthless degree in exchange for all this money? I'm at my wits end with these people. So, what I'm really asking, if it's no trouble, is if You could kindly blow these people up. Well, not the people so much. I don't want to hurt any people. Just Mohela itself. Is there any way You could just blow up Mohela. I don't know. It seems like this would do a lot of good for people. Remember, I don't want You to blow up the actual people calling me and whatnot. Just their employer. I know You are faithful. Thank you. Amen. Blow up.

MZ on Using Hotdogs For Currency

I wish we used hot dogs for currency. I mean, it wouldn't be very practical. I mean, it'd be hard to hold more than a dozen hot dogs or so on your person at once. But just think of all the applications! Plus when you go downtown and you are accosted by the beggars, asking for change, or in this case an extra hot dog, I mean, crap, you'd probably be relieved to give them an extra hot dog, cuz that'd mean one less hot dog you have to lug around.

MZ on Beating Your Meat

One expression you just don't hear anymore is "beat your meat". I mean, what happened? Doesn't anyone beat their meat anymore? Did we as a society all of a sudden just get too cool or mature to ask people if they're beating their meat? Is the subject taboo? Or moot? Or is it against God? Or country? Inquiring minds like mine wanna know. Are you beating your meat?