MZ on Being A Man Among Crickets

Dear cricket somewhere in my room. I apologize for freaking out and flinging you across the room. If I was thinking straight I would have pulled myself together and simply returned you to the wild (aka my backyard). But damn, you freaked me out! So, if we should meet again, I hope to do right by you. I hope to exhibit some shred of manliness and not scream like a girl and fling you across the room. You deserve better, cricket.

MZ on The Pretty Men Phenomenon

I don't think it's strange. Maybe a little implausible. But it's true. Sometimes, quite by happenstance, a man in drag can appear prettier than a woman. Take these two for instance. So similar in eyes, hair and makeup, they could be sisters. But wait! The sister on the left is Angela Lansbury in Sweeney Todd. Quite grotesque, is she not? Then, the sister on the right is, of all people, Queen drummer, Roger Taylor, from the video, "Break Free". How's that for sisters? So, is it Roger Taylor's fault that he's prettier than Angela Lansbury?

MZ on The 31 Scariest Kinds Of People

I don't care what people say, people can be scary. I'm scared of all kinds of people. Here's a list of the scariest kinds of people I can think of.

31. Foreigners: This is more of a subconscious fear not grounded in reality. The irrational fear of anyone who looks or sounds different.

30. Anyone who sits right next to you: Anyone who walks into a sparsely populated room and sits right next to you. Freaky!

29. Nazis: They're mostly gone now so I think we can relax.

28. Bikers: They have tattoos and don't give a fuck.

27. Charles Manson: If you watch more than 15 minutes of one of his interviews, you won't be able to sleep, guaranteed.

26. Info-mercial Audience Members: These people are insane.

25. Librarians: They're just always there, working on something they seem to think is important. You would think they're there to help you. And you would be wrong. Just go up and ask them a question and you'll find out. 

24. Rich People: There's just something not right about people who can buy and sell other people.

23. Doctors: Something scary about anyone who holds the fate of someone's life in their hands on a regular basis.

22. Anyone who just walked out of a forest: No matter what, anyone who just walked out of a forest always looks like they just got finished burying somebody.

21. Homeless People: Admit it. You're a little freaked out by homeless people.

20. Lawyers: They wear suits and know the law and know how to break it.

19. James Lipton: He just knows way too much about you. Just look at the actors on Inside The Actors Studio. They always seem so freaked out by him.

18. Robots: They'll go along with all your human bs until they decide to turn. 

17. Politicians: Parasitic beings incapable of telling the truth.

16. Joel Osteen: Although Osteen avoids preaching fire and brimstone, there's just something about preachers with their tendency to dangle eternal life or damnation in front of you.

15. Clowns: They're covered in makeup and probably wanted in a couple states.

14. Old People: They're old and set in their ways, and even more so than bikers, don't give a fuck.

13. Heather Mills McCartney: Or cold and heartless gold-diggers. Mills just happens to be the best one ever.

12. Male Gynecologists: If I was a woman, I wouldn't stand for a male gynecologist. 

11. Anyone holding something: Anyone just standing there holding something freaks me out. A big lollipop. A hammer. A balloon. A camera. That's scary!

10. Gang Members: Groups of anything is scary, especially if they don't give a fuck in unison.

9. Priests: Something scary about this group of people's propensity for pedofilia.

8. Women On Religious Shows: These freaky women who douse themselves in makeup and follow their preacher husbands are like Stepford Wives on crack.

7. Neo-Nazis: I'm white and they still scare the crap out of me.

6. Mafia Members: Italians can always claim to be in the mafia to get people to step off. They're lucky that way.

5. Children: They're small and unpredictable. Basically, anyone who's scary, if you can think of a little version of them, for some reason, it's more scary.

4. Mormons: Something freaky about polygamy, even if they supposedly don't do it anymore.

3. Islamist Extremist: The extreme version of anything is pretty scary, and extremist Muslims are the scariest.

2. Jehovah's Witnesses: The more I read about these people the more they scare me. 

1. Scientologists: They're bat-shit crazy and extremely serious about it. 

MZ on Being Fairish And Sort Of Balanced

Seriously, how can Fox News claim to be FAIR and BALANCED? Have you ever heard them say a single GOOD thing about Barack Obama? Have you ever heard them say a single BAD thing about George W. Bush? I mean, if your very slogan is COMPLETELY UNTRUE, than why would anyone think your product, in this case news, is any different. I mean, doesn't your credibility go right out the window? I think it's sad when a supposed NEWS channel's validity can be trumped by a fast food joint, but it's true. Taco Bell can be trusted over Fox News. You see, Taco Bell's beef is only a small percentage real beef and so they can't claim that their items are BEEF. Instead Taco Bell refers to these items as BEEFY as if to say your burrito will have an essence of beef but not actual beef. This is sort of a slick spin, but ultimately honest. At least a lot more honest than Fox News, who is lying straight to their viewer's faces when they say they are fair and balanced. If Fox News wanted to be as stand-up as Taco Bell, they would change their slogan to FAIRISH and SORT OF BALANCED. Until Fox News says one good thing about Barack Obama and one bad thing about George W. or Mitt Romney, they should be more honest with their viewers and themselves and stop claiming to be something they aren't.

MZ on Making Au Jus Work For You

I'm glad you decided to drop by. And in a minute, so will you! In fact, reading this post could be the biggest most important event of your life. And all you have to do is keep reading and when you're done, start utilizing the techniques outlined within.

First off, are you tired of being a penniless weeble-wobble who wobbles but won't fall down? Living check to check, wobbling all the while and never falling down? Wouldn't you like to be less wobbly? Wouldn't you like to drive a Porsche? Didn't you like the Avengers?

Second off, what is the one thing that makes everyone in the world happy? I mean, what is the one thing that cuts through all cultural barriers, no matter how stupid and backwards these foreigner's cultures are? That's right! Au jus dipping sauce!

Third off, what I'm proposing is everyone out there stop doing your job. You don't need a boss telling you what to do. I mean, how many times have you personally seen your boss do something stupid like misuse there/their/they're? Probably lots. Cuz they're stupid and smell. Do you really want to keep working at a place like that? Where your only goal in life is to someday fill your boss's position, only to spend the rest of your days being scrutinized mercilessly by all your underlings, watching and waiting for you to f up? In some cases, being so annoying that they're even watching to see if you misuse there/their/they're? Bullocks!

Fourth off, hand to hand combat and au jus sauce go hand in hand.

Fifth off, what I'm proposing is gathering all your resources. All your possessions! All your assets! And literally liquidating them! Right now! Within a week, you could turn all your stuff into au jus dipping sauce! I'm serious! I need it! Once you've established this, you can make au jus work for you! You can even use au jus as legal tender! I'm serious! No more waiting in line at the post office. With au jus, all you do is dip the corner of your envelope in au jus and you're good to go. Are you sending something heavy? Well, just dip it deeper in the au jus. There's really no limit to what you can do with your au jus! I'm serious!

Sixth off, and lastly, the easiest step of all: sit back and watch the money roll in! All your financial burdens will be a thing of the past. You can finally have that island in the Pacific you always wanted! Where you can start your own society. Where every man is worshiped like a god and given 3 sometimes even 4 wives, to be loved and sexed and sometimes even traded like baseball cards with your friends. And the lakes and rivers are flowing with beefy au jus. And the women know there place. And you can never feel pain. And your hemorrhoids never flare up. And where your team always wins. And girls find you sexy. And laundry day never comes. And Oscar Wilde is revered. And where time travel is imminent. And evolution stops here. And where a thumb is no longer made to think it's any less than a finger. And where transvestites don't frighten you so much. And cole slaw is made tangy, never tart. I'm serious.

All of this and au jus can be yours. But only if you're willing to put down that job and house and follow au jus.  

"Clean" by Ken Sweet

We'd like to recommend one of our friend's books, "Clean" by Ken Sweet. "Clean" is an inspiring book, especially for anyone suffering from an unshakeable bout with guilt.

Intro: Benjamin Whyte is about to set out on a quest. When his world begins to collapse around him, Ben recalls a vision he had as a child-a vision of cool water that can wash away the grime and filth accumulated over the course of a lifetime, a vision of a glowing light that can heal and make whole - a vision of Clean. He also remembers the shadowy stranger who barred his path. Leaving his former life behind him, Ben embarks on a journey to find Clean. Following the recommendation of a mysterious new friend, he purchases a plane ticket and travels through a land of ancient spirituality in search of his goal. Clean is a chronicle of this adventure; an adventure full of peril, romance, enlightenment, and ultimately, a confrontation with the dark man himself.

Reviews: "Becomes a personal soul-searching experience. Ken's writing is thought provoking, insightful, and often profound." -- Reader Views

"His imagery puts you right in the middle of the mystical old world locations over in Britain." -- Podlings

"This story meshes perfectly the world that we all live in and the Arthurian world of Knights and honour that many of us wish still existed." -- TCM Reviews

"It is a rare work, especially one as concise as Clean, that can bring together the many elements of serious fiction in one piece: the various forms of conflict (man against man, man against nature, main against himself), tangible settings, symbol, allusion, meaningful theme, nemesis, historicity, and exploration of the human condition. That Sweet has managed this in Clean without drawing attention to the manner in which this is achieved demonstrates Sweet's deep understanding of and dedication to the craft." -- Chevalier Editions

"His imagery puts you right in the middle of the mystical old world locations over in Britain as Ben quests from site to site for clues to CLEAN." -- P.O.D.LINGS

"This is an inspiring book...Ben's own angst and yearnings leap off the page." -- Book Ideas

MZ on Meeting Macho Man Randy Savage

In my heart of hearts, I think my life has been slightly lessened by the fact that I never got to meet Macho Man Randy Savage. This goes to show you there are no guarantees in life. So, remember, when you have a chance to meet important people like the Dalai Lama, Stephen Hawking, or even Jake The Snake Roberts, you need to seize the opportunity.

MZ on How Hot Fran Drescher Is

It's surprising how hot Fran Drescher is. All anyone ever thinks about when they think about Fran Drescher is that incredibly annoying voice. And let me tell ya, that is one incredibly annoying voice. It isn't until we're all dead and buried, when we will suddenly open our eyes and realize, "Wait just a fucking minute! Fran Drescher was hot!" (Assuming we still have eyes.)

MZ on Finally A Candidate I Can Believe In

I would vote if I believed any of them. That's why I think a dog could beat most candidates. I mean when was the last time a dog lied to you? Dogs are pretty cut and dry. I'm not sure what a dog's stance would be on some of these complicated issues in Washington. And yet, that doesn't really bother me. As long as we got the lying thing taken care of. "I yield the rest of my time to play fetch with my esteemed colleague, Senator Spot from Rhode Island."

"Long Limbed Girl" by Nick Lowe

I first heard this song on one of my many marathon treks through the world of youtube. It really is addictive. I must have started out on Graham Parker, and then maybe to Joe Jackson, and then maybe to Elvis Costello, and then to Nick Lowe. I never really listened to much of Nick Lowe, at least not knowingly. Lowe has written hundreds of songs, lots of huge hits, like Costello's "(What's so Funny 'Bout) Peace, Love, and Understanding". However, it was this song, "Long Limbed Girl", one of Lowe's newer stripped-down songs that really caught my ear. From the retro feel, with the infectious yet unorthodox timing and rhythm to Lowe's input as songwriter and singer, I was completely captivated. And since discovering it, I must have listened about 200 times.

MZ on Alone Time

I put a wig on and dance around like Buffalo Bill with my naughty parts tucked away and I look in the mirror and say to myself, "You look marvelous," like I'm Billy Crystal and there's about a million different things running through my head and then I see you standing there. It's obvious. You see me, too. One of us should say something. But no one does. Why you always gotta fuck up my alone time?

MZ on Big Asses

How many times do I have to tell you? Girls are supposed to have a big ass. It's what makes you a girl. Otherwise you'd be a boy. Or an eleven year old girl. So when you ask if your ass looks big in those jeans, I'm gonna say, "Yeah." But not in a bad way. In a good way. I might even say, "Yeah, but it could be bigger. Let's see...You must have something in the closet that'll make your ass look bigger. How 'bout this? Yeah! That's what I'm talking about!"

MZ on Loving Everyone On 9/11

Love for those who lost their life on that day. Love for those who lost their life in the subsequent wars. Love to anyone whose life was changed forever on that day. In other words, love for everyone. Love for the world. That's what I have on this day, a love that outweighs everything else I feel. Love.

MZ on The Scourge Of Humanity, AKA Real Housewives

Sometimes I can't help but think about the good ole days. There's like a bazillion things that were better then, then they are now. My most recent remembrance is Bravo. The way it used to be. Admittedly, I'm not the most diversified person. I'm pretty much a creature of habit. And back about ten years ago, when circumstances in my life allotted more TV watching, I pretty much hovered between a handful of channels. I think one was ESPN, then maybe FOX Sports, then Comedy Central, then VH1 Classic, then Bravo.

Well, the good thing is ESPN hasn't and probably never will make drastic changes, as sports are pretty much a constant. And yet, I don't watch FOX Sports that much anymore, since Best Damn Sports Show, which pretty much was the best damn sports show, is no more. Comedy Central is still good, not as good as I remember, but still good. I don't have VH1 Classic anymore, and I miss it, cuz I love seeing all those old videos, but Youtube more than makes up for this. And then there's Bravo.

Bravo used to be good. I used to like all the independent films, Inside the Actor's Studio, and pretty much anything else on Bravo. And then, during my ten year absence, when I wasn't watching much TV, something terrible happened. And it's called Real Housewives. Real Housewives of Wherever; New York, Orange County, etc., have completely taken over Bravo. When did this happen? I never thought I could miss James Lipton, as he was always such a creepy dude, but, hey, I'm miss James Lipton! In his stead, it's nonstop Real Housewives. Who is watching this shit? Why? Reality TV is horrible for the most part, and Real Housewives has got to be the pinnacle of this awfulness. I never would have known how awful this show was if wasn't for this girl I was dating, who was addicted to the Real Housewives shows. I tried to be a good boyfriend and give her interests a chance. But in the end, it was just too much to bear. After a while, I was just sitting there, praying for death, thinking how life is too short to waste even a second watching this moronic crap.

First of all, NOTHING is happening on the Real Housewives. Second, if people would give life half a chance, they could be doing whatever these Real Housewives are doing in their own lives-which isn't much. Third, for the most part, these women are complete morons. You can tell who the smart ones are because they're the ones that leave the show after one season, ie, Cat from Real Housewives of New York, or was it DC? Fourth, most of these women aren't housewives at all. If anything Real Housewives destroys marriages and in some cases LIVES. And yet it keeps going. Andy Cohen, have you no decency? Fifth, you can actually feel your brain softening and turning to mush when you watch Real Housewives. TV is a passive enough experience. When you watch Real Housewives, your brain is doing even less work, since nothing is going on. Sixth, there's nothing real about Real Housewives. Anything in the show that moves the story along or seems to create plot is the work of the show's producers. Otherwise there would be no show. So, in conclusion, seventh, you only have so much time on this planet. Do you really want to spend hours upon hours of your time watching Real Housewives who aren't even real or housewives?

MZ on Heiny Insurance

Heiny Insurance Salesmen: Tom, Dick, Harry, Harry, and Harry
There aren't a lot of businesses that have the balls to support, but the fine people at Heiny Insurance in Bumfuck Egyptown, NY have stepped up to the plate. If you've been feeling a little vulnerable lately, like something might happen to your ass, we at implore you to go see Tom, Dick, Harry, Harry and the other Harry at Heiny Insurance and they'll be sure to cover your ass. Like that big-headed kid from Jerry Maguire said, Bees and Dogs smell fear. Well, I'd like to add women can also smell fear. Or moreso, lack of confidence. If you employ the fine people at Heiny Insurance, you can say goodbye to that unsure feeling. And hello to knowing, no matter what, whatever you do, your ass is covered! Call Heiny Insurance now! It's important. It's your ass we're talking about. (BTW, Heiny Insurance now insures women's asses too! However, these policies may require additional fees given the pound for pound, girth of women's asses, which is a good thing, right?)

MZ on Safeguarding Against Perverts

Today's society is scary. And you never know where the creepers are lurking. Recently, a friend expressed some concerns about hearing reports that there was a man near a local school trying to lure kids into his van. I don't have kids, but I still wanted to offer some advice. So I suggested she give her kid a gun or maybe an RPG. I mean, every kid has a cellphone nowadays. Why not a gun or an RPG? One thing perverts hate is getting blown up.

MZ on Me And My Conscience 2012!

I've decided to do something different for this year's election. I'm voting my conscience. I hope my conscience wins. Thank you. You're welcome. You're gonna need a running mate. Oh, how bout me? Definitely. Me and My Conscience 2012!

MZ on Yielding To Your Own Autonomy

I think the worry surrounding burning bridges is part of growing up and becoming your own person. Eventually you get to a maturity level where you no longer have this inbuilt desire to please everyone. You start to realize its okay to please yourself. Even if this means you have to burn a bridge in the process. If you ever want to get on the highway, eventually you have to say, "No! Fuck you! I'm not yielding anymore! It's my turn to get on this motherfucking highway!"

"A Bad Girl's Guide To Staying Good" by Michael Zinetti

This song is a Jessi Murphy aka Bliss poem of the same name put to music by Michael Zinetti. When I first heard this poem, I was floored. Especially by the phrase, "Sunshine Of My Cunt." That was a killer. And rightaway, I wanted to put it to song.

A Brief History Of The Westboro Baptist Church

Goober Felps: WBC Founder
The following is a hilarious yet completely accurate, I'm sure, account and history of the Westboro Baptist Church. You know, those assholes that show up wherever they can, like maybe a veteran's funeral, and hold up signs like, "Pray For More Dead Soldiers", or "God Hates Fags," or, "God Blew Up the Shuttle." Basically, these people are scum, and here's their story:

A long time ago, approximately 50 years ago even, Goober Felps, the founder of the Westboro Baptist Church, who, at the time was working as a door-to-door used diaper salesman, stumbled on a “real neat” concept he affectionately referred to as, “How much of a jerk can I be?” The concept became something of an obsession, and he soon found himself neglecting to make new batches of used diapers. Instead, all he seemed to want to do is sit around and think of awful things to say to people.

In order to find out how big of a jerk he could truly be, Goober realized he would have to take his jerkiness to the people. So Goober started going around town saying things like, “Hello, Mrs. Baker. You sure are pretty. And might I say that perfume you’re wearing sure is doing it’s best to cover up your usual stench. I reckon it’s time you had yourself a bath, now, Mrs. Baker. Don’t you?”

I’m sure you can imagine it wasn’t long before everyone in the small Kansas town wanted to lynch Goober. Lucky for Goober, most of the folks in town were good Christians and showed tolerance and turned the other cheek, which really bugged the crap out of Goober. So Goober, in a stroke of pure genius, decided to make himself big signs that said all the mean things he thought of. That way, even if the good townsfolk ignored his mean words, there was still a chance they might sneak a peek at his sign, as bright and colorful as he painted them. And when they did, why Goober could hardly contain his satisfaction, because he knew deep down where his heart was supposed to be, he had accomplished his goal and ruined that person’s day. The signs were also good because Goober didn’t have to risk losing his voice. This way, he could stay out longer and spread more hate, which suited him just fine.