A Brief History Of The Westboro Baptist Church

Goober Felps: WBC Founder
The following is a hilarious yet completely accurate, I'm sure, account and history of the Westboro Baptist Church. You know, those assholes that show up wherever they can, like maybe a veteran's funeral, and hold up signs like, "Pray For More Dead Soldiers", or "God Hates Fags," or, "God Blew Up the Shuttle." Basically, these people are scum, and here's their story:

A long time ago, approximately 50 years ago even, Goober Felps, the founder of the Westboro Baptist Church, who, at the time was working as a door-to-door used diaper salesman, stumbled on a “real neat” concept he affectionately referred to as, “How much of a jerk can I be?” The concept became something of an obsession, and he soon found himself neglecting to make new batches of used diapers. Instead, all he seemed to want to do is sit around and think of awful things to say to people.

In order to find out how big of a jerk he could truly be, Goober realized he would have to take his jerkiness to the people. So Goober started going around town saying things like, “Hello, Mrs. Baker. You sure are pretty. And might I say that perfume you’re wearing sure is doing it’s best to cover up your usual stench. I reckon it’s time you had yourself a bath, now, Mrs. Baker. Don’t you?”

I’m sure you can imagine it wasn’t long before everyone in the small Kansas town wanted to lynch Goober. Lucky for Goober, most of the folks in town were good Christians and showed tolerance and turned the other cheek, which really bugged the crap out of Goober. So Goober, in a stroke of pure genius, decided to make himself big signs that said all the mean things he thought of. That way, even if the good townsfolk ignored his mean words, there was still a chance they might sneak a peek at his sign, as bright and colorful as he painted them. And when they did, why Goober could hardly contain his satisfaction, because he knew deep down where his heart was supposed to be, he had accomplished his goal and ruined that person’s day. The signs were also good because Goober didn’t have to risk losing his voice. This way, he could stay out longer and spread more hate, which suited him just fine.

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