MZ on Halloweenies

Now is our chance to finally dress up like Halloweenies. All you have to do is wrap your body in a flesh-colored sheet. Then do cool designs with a red or purple marker to create the illusion of veins. It's up to you how you would like to make the head of your Halloweenie, as long as you adhere to the general rule that the head of your Halloweenie is bigger than the shaft of your Halloweenie. Halloweenies can be circumcised or uncircumcised. Be advised, people might freak out a little if you decide to go uncircumcised. Circumcision isn't just a religious tradition, but also good for sanitation.

Now, you are ready to go Halloweenie-ing! The best way to go about Halloweenie-ing is to meet up with a bunch of other halloweenies and sort of like invade the downtown area. Consume mass quantities of libation, this will help with lubrication, or social lubrication. As soon as you're drunk, storm the streets and run around like your crazy. Try to avoid cars. There's always safety in numbers. 

Happy Halloweenies!!!

If you want to dress up like Hallovageenies, be advised, this is a much more involved endeavor, especially if your Hallovageenie has a larger than normal labia.    

Try "Agrarian Love Story" by Michael Zinetti for FREE!

Check out this quaint little story for FREE! Agrarian Love Story is one of Michael Zinetti's first short stories. It tells about two young sweethearts, Marvin and D'Zynthia, and how one night, rather than sneak out for another drive-in movie, D'Zynthia suggests they stay in and see what fun can be had in her bedroom. Will Marvin go along with D'Zynthia's idea? What will happen if he does? Check out Agrarian Love Story by Michael Zinetti.

MZ on Being An Authority

I'm the authority on so few things. Especially authority itself. I've never really been in charge of anything. That might be why, when I need to get everyone's attention, I rarely succeed in doing so. And yet you're reading this right now. And so, I kinda have a little authority. Or at least I have a bit of your attention. And so, while I have you here, allow me to say, quite plainly, and honestly, and without discrimination, I like boobies
Why, there's two boobies right now!

MZ on Kuhlua And Milk

Dearest Kuhlua and Milk, why do I love you so? You are so tasty and so good. You are not very alcoholic. And not the most popular drink. But I still love you. I first met you when I worked at a chinese restaurant in Laconia, New Hampshire. I was eating an extra spicy plate of pork lo mein when somebody introduced us and WOW what a match! Kuhlua and Milk and something spicy, especially chinese food, is a delicious experience. God bless you Kuhlua and Milk. You Prince of New England, you King of New Hampshire.

MZ on No Longer Trying To Watch Tree Of Life

I was talking to this dude and he told me there are no guarantees in life and that nobody lives forever. I was like, "What the heck!" So that's why I don't feel too bad about NOT finishing the movie Tree Of Life. I gave that movie forty minutes of my finite time on this planet and all it gave me was a discombobulated story, weird incoherent voice overs, and bizarre gratuitous theory on the inception of life sequences. My general thoughts by the end of the forty minutes were: "I'm not sure. Am I supposed to care about this dinosaur dude? What happened to Brad Pitt? Why don't they just tell the story? Is there a story? I don't mind a nonlinear story but this friggin' ridiculous. This is a nonlinear nonplanar possibly nonstory." As soon as I get word that my after-life insurance has kicked in, and I'm guaranteed eternal life, I'll finish Tree Of Life. Maybe.

MZ on Needing To Talk About Edward

 My girlfriend showed me the DVDs she rented from the library. I looked at one of the covers and said, "I don't like Edward Furlong." She looked at me confused. Then I looked again and realized it was Tilda Swinton. At first I was embarrassed. But then I was kinda pleased with myself. I felt like I was the only person on the planet who knew what happened to Edward Furlong after the 90's. He's Tilda Swinton! Edward Furlong disappeared in the 90's and then reappeared as Tilda Swinton in the 00's! I feel silly. It's so obvious now. You're welcome. 

MZ on The Great Chicken Debate

Candidate 1: I have the most chicken.
Candidate 2: Mr. President, that's simply not true. In fact, America has less chicken now than it did four years ago.
Candidate 1: I DO have the most chicken. And if you give me your vote I will share it with all you good folks in this town (insert name).
Candidate 2: Why would the good folks of this town (insert name) give you their vote when you've had four years to share your chicken and they're still waiting for a taste of your chicken.
Candidate 1: The truth is I've shared LOTS of my chicken. What about your chicken? According to your plan, you're going to deduce chicken intake by 25%!
Candidate 2: That's simply not true.
Candidate 1: It is true.
Candidate 2: No it's not!
Candidate 1: I'm president and I say it's true.
Candidate 2: You won't be president for long!
Candidate 1: I'm beginning to think you don't like chicken.
(The good folks in this town (insert name) gasp in unison)
Candidate 2 (looks around nervously): That's simply not true. I love chicken. When I was governor of Marshmallow Land, we were the biggest producers of chicken. In fact, I made it possible for even the most poor and most idiotic people in my state to have chicken.
Candidate 1: I know. That's why we based much of our chicken production plan on yours in Marshmallow Land. But now, for some reason, you've distanced yourself from your chicken production model. Why is that? I think somebody doesn't like chicken as much as somebody says he likes chicken.
Candidate 2: That's private. I mean, that's simply not true. THIS somebody likes chicken!
Candidate 1: Allow me to reiterate, good folks of this town (insert name), if you give me your vote I will share my chicken with you. Wink wink nudge nudge.

MZ on Trying To Watch The Tree Of Life

So, I was watching Inside The Actor's Studio starring James Lipton and he had Brad Pitt on. Besides the fact that they seemed to skip over all my favorite Brad Pitt movies, they did talk a little bit about a movie I hadn't heard of, The Tree Of Life.

So, later that night, I rented Tree Of Life.

Ten minutes in I was like, "When is this movie gonna start???"

Twenty minutes in, I was like, "I gotta see what this movie got on Rotten Tomatoes." So I paused it and checked it out on Rotten Tomatoes. 84%??? 84% of critics liked it? The positive reviewers were comparing it to Kubrick's 2001. I guess I could see that. However, in Kubrick's 2001, after all the fruity pebbles silliness, you eventually get to the spaceship sequences with David and the ship's computer, HAL, which were awesome. Was Tree Of Life gonna eventually get awesome? I had to keep going.

Thirty minutes in, after the earth creation sequences, I was seeing EXACTLY what they were talking about with the Kubrick 2001 comparisons. However, after the seemingly twelfth or thirteenth seemingly pointless voice-over, whispered something like, "Where is he?" or "What is he looking for?" or whatever the voice was saying, I think my brain literally spontaneously concussed. I was starting to think about my own mortality and why I would want to spend anymore of my finite time on this planet watching this movie that never seems to start. And yet, I pressed on.

Almost forty minutes later, I decided to pause the movie indefinitely, opting to watch something else I rented. In this case, 30 Rock Season 1, which I'd never seen but always wanted to someday sit down and watch.

As for the Tree Of Life, I got three more night to get through it. Hopefully, with the obligatory breaks in order to keep my own sanity, this will allow for enough time to finish it. Ugh.

"It's Different For Girls" by Joe Jackson

I was surprised to find out how many Joe Jackson songs I knew and loved. I was about 6 or 7 when these songs came out, so they were just on the periphery of my conscience. Now when I go back, I find all these songs and rediscover them again. And realize, holy crapola, I love Joe Jackson!

MZ on Unpresidential Debates

Oh sure, I like watching the debates. Although, I'm not quite sure how much the debates help to determine who should be president or anything. However, it does determine who turns into an a-hole under pressure and who turns into a sniveling buffoon. And yet, in my life, I think I've tried to align myself more often with buffoons than a-holes.

MZ on Women In Their Drawers

In the morning, on the way home from work, I usually alternate listening to Mike & Mike in the Morning and Imus in the Morning. Today, on Imus, Dagen McDowell, a woman with a heavy southern drawl, jokingly said to Imus, "I'm just standing here with my drawers on." Everyone else on the show was like, what? I was like, what? I don't know what it is but a woman describing her underwear as drawers, especially in a heavy southern drawl, sounds completely and utterly unsexy. It creates a repelling image in my brain of a monstrously ugly and inbred woman with only three or four good teeth, wearing sweat-stained and whatever else-stained baggy underwear, and saying all seductive, "Hey, baby, I'ma just standing a-here with my drawers on. Whatchu gonna do about it?" And me thinking, "Um...RUN?"

"Going Postal: Volume 1" by Michael Zinetti

Going Postal is a collection of 50 status updates, posts and what-have-you, previously posted on my blog at, as well as various social websites. Most of the posts were written after I had stayed up all night and was barely functioning. What better time to try and set the world afire than when you're completely and utterly delirious?

.99 is all that separates you and 50 seriously silly sleep-deprived blog posts!!! Make it happen!!! Your Mom will be so proud!!!  

MZ on Waiters/Waitresses Beware

Beware all ye clever and conniving waiters and waitresses who don't bother to tell when there is an extra charge for something. Who will kindly answer the question, "Does this come with that?" or "Can I have this instead of that?" with a polite, "Sure," but don't bother to say it'll cost extra. Well, consider this your fair warning. If I should see any surprises on my bill, prepare yourselves for a surprise of your own. The extra charge will be coming out of your tip. There. I've said it. Now, I can get on with my life.

Agrarian Love Story by Michael Zinetti

Here's cute little story about youthful love and innocence, against the backdrop of farm-life. See what happens when the young lovers decide to forgo another escape to the local drive-in, in lieu of an adventure much closer to home; each others arms.


MZ on When Capitalism Turned To Cannibalism

I might have missed the boat on this one, possibly by about fifty years or so, but why did we let businesses uproot from America, taking away jobs from Americans so companies could benefit from cheap foreign labor? In my opinion, this is when capitalism turned to cannibalism. Gordon Gekko says greed is good. Yeah, but not when it's at the expense of your own hand or foot. Who benefits from outsourcing our jobs? The execs, the shareholders, which may be one in the same. A relatively small group of people benefit. Meanwhile a multitude of American workers are left without work. It's almost like tooth decay for the whole economy, rotting from the inside out. A nation hollowed out by greed. This seems to be simple math. When an American buys something that's NOT made in America, who benefits? That same small group of execs and shareholders. This money doesn't go back into the hands of American workers. Only a small percentage through taxes. So, how is this good for our economy when we buy goods that benefit only a few Americans? Why wasn't this obvious, whenever this trend first started, that this was gonna gut America? How could we have let this happen? How did we let capitalism turn to cannibalism?

Fundamental changes we can make to get America back on track. This might be difficult now, considering virtually everything you pick up in a store says it was made in Taiwan or China or Sri Lanka, etc., but we should always try to buy American. And that means from businesses that are owned, produced, everything, in America. This would be a huge step in the right direction. Since we've let capitalism turn to cannibalism, it's been hard to find things that are made entirely in America. So, in the mean time, while America reinvents itself as a Buy American nation, we should apply a hefty tax/tariff on goods produced abroad. I mean nice and hefty. One that makes the businesses that rely on foreign slave labor to buckle. So, it's no longer cost-effective to outsource jobs. And soon, we will see the business returning to America with their tail tucked between their legs.

At first, once the revolution is fully implemented and gaining momentum, these big businesses will bitch and moan like crazy. They'll go into fiery tantrums like big fat spoiled babies. And in Washington, when we turn the lights on, all their lobbyist-cockroaches will scurry every which way. But no matter what, we have to be steadfast. I mean, if we want America back. If we want a strong America, we have to push. We have to use as much strength and power as it took for big business to take America away from us in the first place. We have the power. Our actions, where we choose to spend our dollars, can turn the tide.

Unless of course, you like the way things are going. Unless you like tooth decay, and watching America rot from the inside out. Unless you like cannibalism. We are all for capitalism. But not at the expense of our own hand or foot. Ultimately, we are all for patriotism. We are for America!

MZ on 3 Things I've Learned From Watching The Tudors

There are 3 things I've learned from watching the Tudors. 1. There were a lot more boobs back then, natural ones at that. 2. It's amazing how much the Catholic Church controlled things during the 1500's. 3. It's unfathomable to see to what lengths the world can be changed by one single solitary and skillfully wielded hoo-ha, in this case Anne Boleyn's hoo-ha. I mean, if it weren't for this conniving whore and her mercenary snatch, latching onto Henry VIII's lustful mind and/or balls, Protestantism might not have ever taken root in the world. Without the English King's need for a divorce, causing a schism in the Catholic Church, the Catholics definitely would have been strong enough to eventually smother Lutheranism in its crib. It's amazing. It is to be noted, I usually don't condone the usage of the word "snatch" to describe a woman's hoo-ha. I find the term repulsive. A hoo-ha should be treated with the utmost respect, and thus, should always be referred to as Hoo-Ha or Miss, Mrs. or Madame Hoo-Ha.

"Senses Working Overtime" by XTC

It only took me about 30 years to wake up and smell the XTC. Now I'm addicted. Here's one of their more infectious tunes, "Senses Working Overtime," live.

MZ on Bob 3:16

For Bob so loved the squirrel that he gave his only begotten nut, that whosoever eatith on it, shall not be famished, but have everlasting squirrelness, which is like a really good thing, especially in this economy.