#9 From Some Ways To Make Your Penis Bigger by Michael Zinetti

Target small girls.

Dating small girls, ie. Asians, Pigmies, or even Dwarves, will in some cases elicit amazement from your target girl. While following the rule of the smaller the better is usually a good rule of thumb, there are limits: see warning below.

As a warning: I recently learned about the smallest girl in the world, who lives in India or somewhere, and is only a foot or so tall. Obviously, this sort of size difference is criminal and downright impossible, logistically. Don’t be a prick about this.

MZ on Ebay, The Mafia Of Online Auctions

You are not gonna believe this but Ebay has really done it this time. People always talk about how Ebay has a bazillion fees and I was always on the fence about the subject. After all, Ebay is the online market place with the best traffic, so its fees seemed somewhat warranted. That was until Ebay's latest fee. And now I'm totally on the side against Ebay and all its ridiculous fees.

Ebay's new fees will start sometime in the near future where they are gonna charge users a flat fee of 5 cents every time you go to one of their pages! On top of that Ebay will also charge people who were thinking about going to one of their pages. How in the world are they gonna enforce that? You'd be surprised. Ebay is very powerful. They're like the mafia of online auctions, and so they like to have their cyber hands in everything. There is some good news, with these new fees, merely thinking about going to Ebay will be considerably cheaper than actually going to Ebay, so think about all the money you'll save just thinking about going to Ebay instead of actually going.

With these new usage fees just around the corner, Ebay has also revealed its upcoming fee for talking about Ebay. Like this post, for instance, is going to cost me about 2 dollars when it's all said and done. Ebay's gonna be like Fight Club. The first rule of Ebay, don't talk about Ebay. Yeah, because it's gonna cost you. So, from here on out, if you're planning on talking about Ebay, remember to keep some spare change on you, so you can cover any charges that may incur.

Ebay is also planning on charging people who leave their browsers on Ebay for too long. In addition, if something happens in your house while your computer is idle, Ebay would like to have a cut of that, too. So, if you leave your computer on and say, you have sex with your wife/or whoever, and happen to conceive a child, Ebay plans to implement a fee for the conception of that child. The initial child conception fee is going to be about 5% of the total child's cost, plus the final fee, when the child is ultimately born. As you know, kids are expensive, and Ebay knows this, too. Ebay can do this. So stop fucking around!

In conclusion remember, Big Brother is watching, and because of this, Big Brother owes Ebay a considerable fee, as do you for being watched. If you have a dispute and would like to challenge these fees, Ebay will be glad to take your case into consideration before they ultimately decide in their favor. And remember, there is a 10% fee for all cases found in their favor, which is over 100% of all cases. Ebay gets what Ebay wants. Ebay is just saying.

I Ain't Gonna Resurrect You Anymore - Michael Zinetti

You can be the man I always wanted me to be when you view Michael Zinetti's "I Ain't Gonna Resurrect You Anymore" on here or on youtube. Do it! It's powerful. You can be powerful. I need that.

Bad Car by Michael Zinetti

This song suddenly came to me when some girl outside got in a car and drove away. I imagined what if this girl was my girlfriend and she just broke up with me. It could happen.

MZ on Sharing Thanksgiving Thoughts

On this splendid occasion, on this very special Thanksgiving, I would like everyone to take five minutes to think about what they're thankful for. Then I want everyone to take five minutes to think about what they're not thankful for. Then I want everyone to take five minutes to think about what they've done. Then I want everyone to take five minutes to think about how they're gonna make it up to all the people they've wronged and how they're gonna help them put their lives back together again. On second thought, maybe it's best if we don't think about this stuff and just stuff ourselves silly with turkey and all the fixings. Happy Thanksgiving from Michael Zinetti! 

MZ on The Worst Town Name Ever

Okay, I gotta say one of the worst town names I've ever come across, and probably the most uninspired name ever would have to be a town in Missouri called Humansville. What's up with that? Were there people really sitting around trying to come up with names for this town and one of them said, "Hey, I know. How 'bout Humansville? Cuz, um, we'll have humans there. Probably. You know. Like us." The only way this could be a good name is if all the neighboring towns had a real bad alien problem and Humansville was gonna be like a haven from all these gosh-darn aliens. I wonder if the same people who named Humansville might have had children at some point and named their newborn son, Human Boy Johnson. Or maybe My Son Johnson. Or maybe Male Offspring Johnson. I'm sorry but somebody had to say it. Amen. Good night and good luck.   

MZ on Baby Cooing Aides

When people show you their baby pictures and you find yourself having difficulty exhibiting the required amount of cooing, do what I do: When you see a baby, don't see a baby. Instead see....Puppies? Or....Kittens! Or whatever else that makes you coo. If need be, you could see a baby with a cigar in its mouth. That might make you coo, or at least smile, which can sometimes be construed as cooing. In which case, you're home free.

I Ain't Gonna Resurrect You Anymore by Michael Zinetti

Music and Lyrics by Michael Zinetti

I ain't gonna resurrect you anymore Man, you throw yourself at any girl who comes along I'm just gonna leave you half dead in your apartment Staring at your cleaning products like you wanna drink them

Cuz no one wants a man like you around Yeah you worship the ground where she is bound You're so full of love and so profound But when it comes to something real You pussy out

I remember you back in high school Man, you threw yourself at any girl who came along You were so damn cool and everyone knew You had life figured out but now I have doubts

If you feel so inclined, you can give this song a listen here.

Wicked Cool Dude!

Wicked Cool Dude is a new site that just popped up. It's a site devoted to the 80's. The 80's, as you may or may not know, was the greatest time period in the history of the world. Especially in the northeast, particularly the New York/New England area. Check out this site and I promise you won't be disappointed.

MZ on Great-Tasting Freedom

Freedom basically goes great with any meal. It's also a perfect addition to any party. Some great places to find great-tasting freedom is America and handful of other countries. These country's veterans work tirelessly, sometimes even giving up their very lives in order to provide great-tasting freedom. So, next time you're out and about, and you want to partake of some great-tasting freedom, remember the people who made it possible. Remember veterans. And for God sakes, if you see a veteran out there, by all means, THANK THEM and SHAKE THEIR HAND. Nothing goes better with freedom than appreciation of that freedom.

Sweet Bloody Kisses by Michael Zinetti now on Bandcamp

Here's Sweet Bloody Kisses on Bandcamp, where the whole album can be downloaded for 3 bucks and single songs are only .25!!!

MZ on Voting For Jesus

Every four years I try to do the right thing. Every four years I vote for Jesus Christ to be president. I look at the ballot and ignore those good for nothing humans and skip right down to the write-in line and write in Jesus Christ. But no matter what, Jesus never wins! I'm totally at a loss. I'm trying to put Him first. Who knows, maybe it's not His will to run this country. Maybe He doesn't wanna eat where he shits. Regardless, I'm gonna keep writing His name in, cuz sometimes us humans just gotta impose our will on various deities.

"Tornado Girl" by Michael Zinetti

Michael Zinetti wrote this song about a pretty hot momma with a tornado tattoo. As of yet, this girl hasn't sucked him up. Unfortunately, a short while after completing this song, a tornado came and destroyed Joplin MO (about 40 miles from Michael Zinetti's town of Springfield, MO). In light of this tragedy, Michael Zinetti will forever donate 25% of all earnings on this song to Joplin, MO.